Does anyone ever wonder what a mom that has lost a child really thinks about, how her mind works after finding out that her child is gone? The truth is that her life will NEVER EVER be the same. Whether they have other children or not, she will forever be changed. Sure, ones that have other children have them to think about, but the hole in their heart is still there. Mothers that have lost their child are in a special club, one that we would rather not have new members, only because we don’t want another mother to go through this deep heart wrenching pain.

No matter how their child was taken away, the reality of not being able to see, hug, chat with him/her is the same. Some parents had to watch their child go through pain because of cancer or other medical reasons until he/she took their last breath. Other parents had to get that dreadful phone call or visit to tell them that their child is no longer alive. It doesn’t matter if it’s been a month or 30 years, that hole is still there. Nothing will ever fill it until we can get our eyes on him/her again in Heaven. What a glorious day that will be.

There is a book I have been listening to on Audible. It is called Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. The book is about a therapist seeking out a therapist because of a crises happening in her own life. It’s a great read, or in my case, a great listen. There are times I am in my car listening to it and I catch my mind on something else. Then all of a sudden, I will hear something profound that she has said. I go back and listen to it multiple times until I really understand what she is saying. I have to chew on it a bit until I can see how what she said really can change my life for the better.

Here are a few profound words from the book that totally resonated with me. “People talk about suicide, not because they want to be dead, but because they want to end their pain. If they can just find a way to do that, they very much want to be alive.” I can actually understand that this is how Chase felt. Although his life seemed almost perfect on the outside, he was in terrible pain on the inside. It overcame him and he found a way to end it. I also believe that he did not plan his suicide on this particular day.

On that Thursday, he went to work, came home, ordered a chair for his new house, played kickball with his friends, and then went and had a beer with them. He didn’t seem depressed to most of them that were around him that night. I know that he had talked about suicide to a few very close friends, but always said he would never go through with it because he wouldn’t put me through that. I totally believe that he meant those words. But for some unknown reason, the pain he was feeling inside was too overwhelming that he chose to take his life either late that night or early that Friday morning.

Neighbors across the street noticed his car never moved from Friday morning until he was found Monday morning. Friends reached out to him over the weekend, but no one actually chatted with him. I even called him that Saturday morning as well, but he did not answer. I didn’t really think anything of it, since he was usually out and about spending time with friends that lived there. Little did I know that he was in his closet the whole time. Sometimes this is a visual I just can’t get out of my head. It hurts me to the core that he was there for days all alone in his closet. He made a permanent decision for a temporary problem that would change so many of our lives forever.

Chase would have never intentionally hurt the ones closest to him. He was always the nice guy that would do anything for anybody. I never heard him be judgemental towards people or their actions. He was just a good dependable friend, along with being a bright light in this world with his beautiful smile and kind heart. He was a wonderful son to me and a great big brother to my other boys. None of us saw this depressed side of him. He masked it so well from so many of us. Even when he told me two weeks before that he had been battling depression, I never thought once to ask him if he ever had suicidal thoughts.

Chase and I had a great talk on the phone, or so I thought, about him dealing with his depression 2 weeks before he ended his life. I told him that if he asked a hundred people to raise their hand if they had ever dealt with anxiety or depression, at least 80 of them would do so if they were being honest and truthful. I told him that this is something that should not make him feel ashamed or embarrassed. Many people in his family, including me, have felt depressed and/or anxious. We have gone to the doctor and have been or are still on some type of medicine to help us deal with it. I told him the best place to be right now is with his family. I am so very blessed that he drove on up to Chattanooga that weekend instead of turning around and going back home like he wanted to do. It was the last time my family and I would see him alive. We now cherish every second we had spent with him over those couple of days.

The things I have learned about the type of depression that Chase was dealing with has been very eye opening. It is a scary thing to think there are so many others just like him walking around hiding behind a mask. Lori Gottlieb states that “men commit suicide 3 times more often than women.” She doesn’t really go into an explanation of why this is true. I did research it further in an article called Differences in Suicide Among Men and Women. It states that “Around 62% of women who are successful in suicide have made a previous attempt, but when it comes to men, 62% of those who die from suicide have not had a previous attempt.” I know, because a close friend had shared this with me, that Chase had planned one out at an earlier time. But when he started writing his suicide letter, he realized how blessed he was, and decided against it. I am not sure how long ago that was before that dreadful night or morning that he went through with his plan. I know that this is why he didn’t leave a note or letter for me.

Lori Gottlieb also states that “whenever suicide comes up, either because the therapist or patient broaches the topic, bringing it up does not, as some worry, plant the idea in one’s head.” Because of this, I do now bring it up if I am worried about someone. I know that if it is truly a worry of mine, then they have thought about it as well. I want my relationship with all around me to be open and honest. I want them to know that they can talk to me about anything and everything. I will not judge. I will just listen and talk with them about the crises they are going through. I want no one else that feels so much pain think there is no other way out than suicide. I want to help them with the pain. I am no therapist, but I do have a good ear and a very open heart. I love all people no matter what.

In saying that, I have heard people start to tell me something, but they stop and say that what they are going through doesn’t compare to what I have been and still am going through. The truth is that they are right. There is no comparison to losing a child. Not any. But that doesn’t mean that their worry is not important. Whatever someone is going through, it is so important to talk to someone about it, especially if it is causing them so much pain and altering their life in any way at all. I want to be that person for them. I don’t want someone to not talk to me because of what I have experienced. It is polar opposite. I want to talk to him/her because of the loss of my child. He went through so much pain and couldn’t find a way around it. He was trying to get help. He was prescribed medicine and was continuing to find a therapist that he felt was the right one. But at the end, he felt taking his life was the only answer he could come up with. So please remember I am here. I will listen and hug on you. I love each of you so much!!

Thank you again for taking time out to read my blogs. My prayer is that in showing my heart, I will help others somehow someway! Please continue to pray for my family and me. Although a year has passed us by, the pain has not gone away. I don’t think it ever will, and I actually don’t want it to. I want to talk about Chase as much as I talk about my other boys. I want his memory to stay alive in all of our hearts.

Also, please help us with the 2nd annual “Chasing Awareness” event. We are raising money for the prevention of suicide. You can help in so many ways. You can get your company to become a sponsor, you can personally donate, come play cornhole, buy a t-shirt (you get a “Chasing Awareness” bracelet with your purchase), buy some raffle tickets, and just come celebrate Chase’s life with us as we talk about him. A guest speaker will be there as well. He lost his 11 year old sister to suicide. JaQuan has a powerful message he wants to share with us. I can’t wait to hear him.
If interested in any of these things I mentioned above, just reach out to me. Again, I love you all!!!

When I found out about Chase, all I could think about was going to Mobile to be around his friends that saw him the most over the last 3 years. I wanted to hear stories and just love on them. I love my Mobilians so much. Glad to have them in my family.

In the meantime, there were other friends from high school and college hurting as well. Some were paul bearers and honorary paul bearers for the funeral. All of his friends came together to be there for us. But I feel like I kind of looked over them and didn’t really spend time with them. I hate that so much now.

His College buddies started talking about what they could do in Chase’s name. They decided to put together an event called “Chasing Awareness”. They had already come up with the name before his visitation. So in October, they put the event on at Avondale Brewery in Birmingham, Alabama. They had a cornhole tournament, raffle items, and t-shirts. There were at least 500 people that came to be a part of it. They raised over $28,000 for suicide prevention in Chase’s name. It was amazing.

They are now putting on a second anual “Chasing Awareness” event October 12th again at Avondale Brewery from 1 – 6. I am so excited about it and seeing everyone again. We are also having a speaker to come talk. He lost his sister at age 11 to suicide 6 years ago. I can’t wait to hear him speak.

I want you to pay close attention to some of these guys that made this event happen. They have written how their life has changed since Chase’s passing. I so appreciate these young men that shared their hearts with me so that I can share them with you. Please read them all. Each one touched my heart in so many ways. I am so proud of and thankful for them. So here you go…

Michael Hyche: Losing Chase made me realize how much I took my friendships and relationships for granted. We spend so much time consumed within our own lives that we forget how far a small conversation can really go. Those conversations seem awkward and daunting, but they can actually save your friends.   Since losing Chase, I try my hardest not to avoid them anymore. People are worth the inconvenience.

Daniel McKraken: There can be times I’m going through my day to day life where being caught up in the busyness of work or life’s duties makes me lose thought of what actually happened a little over a year ago. I’m not really sure if that is a good or bad thing because of the amount of pain I felt that moment I got the news. First and foremost, the impact of Chase versus the impact of his choice are very different. It’s hard to put into words the impact Chase’s choice has had on me. When I think about Chase, it can be a  rollercoaster of emotions – sadness, anger, gratefulness,  abandonment, guilt. Just a lot of confusion honestly. I try my best to think about Chase and I’s friendship foremost, not his choice, since the memories are all happy and its what I am grateful for. He was a one of a kind friend that in just these recent, post-college years had become one of my closest friends. He was a part of our tight-knit friend group that had snapchat, groupme, and hangout conversations going all day every day. He was one of the first I would contact when I was coming home to Mobile for whatever reason. From college to post grad years, we had too many damn good times! As I continue to think about Chase, that’s when the other emotions can start to set in. One of my closest friends that I had daily contact with for the past few years and saw every few months or so is gone…by choice. The sadness, anger, and feelings of guilt and abandonment all just rush in together. Sad for his family and friends, mad that we could’ve done more, upset that this was a choice, etc. It can really suck sometimes, but other times I am able to step back from the blaming game of him or me, or being mad, and am able to use this bittersweet, eye opening experience to be “better”. I wish it wasn’t at this cost, but I can say that we have begun to do some good. I remember telling Momma Mel that we were going to make something good come out of this. Chase’s family and friends have really put it on their shoulders to tell the world about Chase and his suicide – All with the goal to prevent suicide and address mental illness. Creating the Chasing Awareness event almost seemed like a natural thing to do. Not only do we get to remember a great son, brother, and friend in a way that Chase would approve (any type of social event and a cold beer), but we also are creating the awareness to end the stigma that mental illness has, to open up the conversation for everyone either battling depression or not. Our friend group has definitely formed a different bond that is stronger and also more compassionate. Not that we weren’t before, but I think Chase’s choice has exposed how we just dont know what someone so close to us is going through. Personally, I feel like Chase’s suicide will be an ongoing effect where I am still learning and realizing the impact it has on my friends and me. What I have learned in this year since his death is to have a greater respect for the human mind and how fragile we are. I’ve learned to cherish my friends and family every moment, and to be more aware of the mental illness behaviors around me. My hope is that our efforts to be “better” can at least save one life. 

Spencer Austin: That day I will never forget. It was something that shook my being to its core and made me question almost everything. How could someone, who appeared to have everything in life, make this choice. Chase Lanke was an amazing man, and an even better friend. Chase was one of those few, and rare people who you knew would come through…who you knew would never let you down no matter what circumstance arose. The world became a little less bright the day Chase made his decision.  If there was anything to be learned from this event, we needed to take heed…we had to.  For me, it was two things. The first is that depression does not discriminate. It does not care who you are, where you are in life, or what you plan to become. It comes without notice, and most of the time without detection. It’s something that can’t be explained, when all you desperately want is answers. It’s something feared and hushed away, that needs to be brought to the forefront. The second thing I learned is to never take anything for granted. If something so terrible can happen to someone so perfect, then there are no givens in this life. Love the ones you are with, cherish those that navigate themselves into your life, and never for a second forget that YOU matter.  I don’t think anyone truly understands just how much they mean to someone else.

Will Hutson: It was about 9:30 AM when I got the call. I was sitting in my office working, when I get a text asking if I can talk on the phone. I closed my door and proceeded to call the person who texted me. 
“Chase killed himself this weekend.”
My life took a different course that morning. I’ve lost friends and relatives to drug addiction, car crashes, old age, and disease. Never, did I expect to lose a friend to suicide. I thought, if any of my friends were to make that decision it would be me. I thought I was the only one. You see, not 8 months earlier I had begun to plan my suicide. I was luckier than most though. I had friends, family, and a very supportive girlfriend who were adamant against this. I found my therapist on my second try. For those of you in therapy, you know how hard it is to find someone who connects and understands the way you need them to. I quit my job with nothing lined up and moved in with my parents. I began eating better, drinking less, and working out. I began taking an anti depressant, something I scoffed at needing just several years before. It took all of this just to get me to start feeling normal again, let alone happy and fulfilled. Mental health is not something that changes overnight except for one case: Suicide.
This is not to say Chase didn’t have those things. Chase has the most loving mother in the world, a group of friends who I like to think made him feel welcome and loved. He had a high paying job and a lovely home. He had everything we are told from day one that you need to be happy. Throughout this experience, I am constantly reminded of the permanence of his decision and the power of depression. Even all the good in his life was overshadowed in his mind. His life took a dark turn and he struggled to escape it. In the end, he ended his pain the quickest way he knew how. 
Since that day, I’ve never been more intentional about mine and others mental health. His life and subsequent death gave me perspective and motivation to help myself and others. We started Chasing Awareness, raised a ton of money, and began a conversation with lots of people. Chase did this. Chase’s life did this. Chase’s death did this. 

Zach Perkins: On July 30, 2018, I received the news that one of my best friends, Chase Lanke, had taken his own life. I‘ll never forget that phone call and the indescribable emotions that overcame me. I just couldn’t believe Chase was gone. Honestly, that entire day is hard to remember but I‘ll never forget thinking that I could have done something to help Chase. I still believe that to this day and that’s why Chase’s other close friends & myself helped organize Chasing Awareness, an event that focuses on breaking the stigma of mental illness. Chasing awareness isn’t about the money or sponsors,  it’s about spreading awareness to those who need it. No one should have to go through depression alone and we want everyone to feel comfortable speaking out about their own experiences with mental illness. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to have my friend back, but I hope that my friends and myself have made him proud through our efforts to bring more awareness to the struggles both Chase and so many others fight each day. Although Chase is gone, he leaves behind friends and family who have been inspired to shine a light on the stigma of mental illness. 

Will Vickery: When I first heard the news about Chase, it took me a while to register what I’d just heard. I just couldn’t fully wrap my head around it and what it all actually meant. Over the next few hours, it began to settle in that he was gone. I started to think of what I could’ve done differently. Could I have prevented this? Were there signs I might have missed? Sure, I knew that Chase had been down a little lately, but I could have never imagined it would have come to this. It’s really hard to think about what he must of been going through each day. He privately faced so many struggles that I never even realized until after the fact.  Over the next few months, leading up to and after Chasing Awareness, I started to realize how many people had direct connections to this. My group of friends were opening up about their own obstacles. So many people at Chasing Awareness were coming up and sharing that they’d lost loved ones to suicide. I soon realized almost everyone I know has experienced mental health issues, or their fallout, directly.  I miss Chase everyday, and it sucks that he’s gone. But if any good can come from this, hopefully it’s to shine another light on the struggles people go through alone everyday. I’ve learned over the past year that the best thing we can do is talk to one another about what’s going on behind the scenes. Hearing people’s stories has opened my eyes so much and I hope we can continue talking about mental health and move forward together.

Wow. They are so incredible, aren’t they?

Here is the information on the event. I would love to see as many people as I can… If you or your company are interested in sponsoring this event, or if you have any additional questions, please reach out to us at ChasingAwareness@gmail.com

If you can make it to the event, please sign up for Cornhole: http://www.alabamacornhole.com/chasingawareness.html

T-shirts are ready to be ordered. Please click on this link if you would like to order one. https://squareup.com/store/chasing-awareness/?fbclid=IwAR3RhTrjuZELiznDEQHIa0HKFJv39V1-oV8MO5OfGZryaTmSAU9r1BNzG1o

Thanks, as always, for taking time to read my blogs. I am also grateful for all the thoughts and prayers going up for us. It is an ongoing sadness around us, but we are trying to make a difference in mental illness for our precious Chase.

Some people say that I will quit going to the graveside one day because he’s really not there. But I tell them that it’s the last place I left him, so I want to go.

I want to sit by his graveside and talk to him. I want to tell him everything that is going on with his family and friends. I have that need to tell him, as if he was really there listening to me. The only difference from now and 13 months ago, is that I won’t get any response back.

My grandparents, parents, and brother is there around Chase. I used to go visit ever so often with them. But now that my son is actually there, it’s different. I at least go once every time I’m heading to Birmingham, or on my way back to Mississippi.

I get really emotional and almost overwhelmed when I’m heading there. It’s like I really don’t want to go because it means it’s true, that it’s the last place I left him until I see him in Heaven again one day. It’s hard and comforting at the same time to pull up and see that beautiful face on his tombstone.

I have really good chats with him. I fuss at him, like I used to. I cry to him asking many questions. I tell him how much I love him. I ask him to watch over his brothers. I walk over to mom, dad, and Bubba asking them to give him an extra hug for me. I tell Bubba to make sure he is playing Scoop with him. That was Bubba’s favorite card game, and all the kids used to take turns playing it with him.

Year 2 is going by, and I hear it’s even harder than year one. I’m not sure I’m quite ready for a year harder than I have already been through. I don’t know how it could be. My hole in my heart is still there and the sadness behind my smile will never ever go away.

I will feel this way forever. Nothing is going to fill that hole. Nothing I see will change my want and need to stop and chat with him at his graveside. I, personally, get peace in it. I miss him so much. The pain is just as rigid as it was when I got the news of his death.

So please continue to pray for my family and me. Pray my boys will continue to be extremely strong. That they will be a comfort and testimony to others hurting. Pray that the boys can, through God’s grace, save others from taking their own lives through their friendship and love for them.

I’m so proud of them and how they have grown from the tragedy they went through in their own lives. Losing their brother by suicide was and still is something they will truly never understand. None of us will. I just know, through watching them, they are amazing young men.

Thanks for all the love and prayers we continue to feel. We appreciate them so much. Love you all.

We have made it through a year without our Chase. It has been so hard and my heart will forever be missing a piece of it. Behind my eyes, there will always be a deep sadness because I have to walk this Earthly path without one of my three boys standing beside me.

The walk we have had to take forced us to be stronger than I ever knew we could be. Watching my Drew and Rob hurt so badly and not being able to help hurt even more. I am so proud of their courage and how they have come through this with the want and need to help others, to be an advocate for suicide awareness, and to be a friend to everyone. They have always had compassion for others, but it has amplified even more over the year.

I went by the graveside yesterday to chat with Chase. I told him how unfair all of this was to his family and friends that loved him so dearly. I cried to him wanting to know what I could have done that would have helped him with the darkness that he hid so well. Why didn’t I know how serious it was? I am his mom. I am suppose to pick up on things like that about my children. I also told him how much I love and adore him and am forever proud of him, and that I hoped he knew it all along.

I then told him all the good things that has come out of his death. I shared with him about how many lives he has touched and changed. I talked to him about a friend of his about to have a baby and they chose Chase as his middle name. I mentioned to him how his sweet Birmingham friends put on the “Chasing Awareness” event and raised over $28K for suicide prevention in his name, and that they are putting on a second one again in October. I chatted about how close I have gotten to his Mobile friends (My Mobilians) over this year and how they have been there for the boys and me. I also told him about his high school friends coming over July 30th and bringing me flowers. They wanted me to know that they miss him every single day.

My boys (Drew & Rob), My Sister and Brother in law (Cindy & Jefri), my nephew and neice (Austin & Jenna), my best friend and her girls (Beth, Charlotte, & Darsie), and I went to the beach last weekend. It was a great weekend to share “Chase” stories and just all be together. We love the beach and so did Chase. Saturday evening, we wrote Chase a message on paper and stuffed it in an empty champaigne bottle. We gathered around and corked it back up. Austin went out in the water and threw it in the ocean. It was such a sweet, sentimental, and heart wrenching thing to do. It is a memory that is forever sketched in my mind. It gave me a great peace for the evening.

We got back on Sunday. Tuesday was approaching, which is the day that Chase was found a year ago. I decided to go to the pool with a few very close friends. It was exactly what I needed. I played one of Chase’s playlist Off of Spotify and just enjoyed the sun and conversation with my friends. Then, when I was thinking too hard about what had happened a year ago, a rainbow showed it’s face. I have been asking for a rainbow for a while now. There was one that was over the church on visitation night and another one during his funeral and burial. And of course, one showed up on this particular day. Wow. It just made me cry, but also made me realize that he is up in heaven healed and complete. Oh how I needed to see that rainbow.

I tell you this. God fills your cup with what you need for that day. It is not the same everyday. He changes it based on what we are going through. I know He is with me holding my hand. How else could I be handling things without his guidance and love. Now, I have been really mad at God for allowing Chase to be taken from us. It is hard not to question when things don’t go the way we plan. But I realize that God never promised us life would be easy. He did promise us that He will walk through all the lows and highs with us, even carrying us through some of them when we feel we can’t make it as long as we believe.

I so miss my Chase Aaron. We all do. The year has been a tough one, and the emotions that comes with losing a child is unbearable at times. I never know when the grief of not having Chase here will hit me. I do my best to stay strong for my boys and family, but the sadness is always there. The thought of the memories I have with him slipping away scares me the most. I want him to be a present memory forever.

So thank you to all that allows me to talk about all 3 of my boys. I appreciate all that listens with compassion and love to all of my stories, even though they have most likely heard them already. The boys and I are so very blessed to have an army of family and friends that gather around us and support us in so many ways. We couldn’t have made it this far without you.

Please continue to pray for all of my family and friends that so desperatley miss our Chase. As we work our way through year 2 without Chase, pray that our lives will be filled with compassion and love for everyone. Pray that we can make a difference in the way suicide is looked upon. Thank you! Love you all!!

Mel

I decided to reach out to the boys to see if they would like to share about losing their brother. I only wanted them to do so if they felt led. I am sharing a few things that Drew has written on Social Media and then Rob’s note that he just wrote recently.

Drew is my middle son. Here are some thoughts he has shared with others through Facebook or Instagram.

To my older brother, you were the one I looked up to most. The one I could really count on in any time of need. I only wish you knew how much you were truly loved. You will be missed forever. Keep an eye on us, brother. I will love you always, Chase! 💙 #RollTide

Chase was an amazing guy and full of cheer. Somewhere inside him I know he was happy. He just had demons he couldn’t fight anymore. I know that as soon as he did it, he looked down at us and regretted it. I don’t blame him for what he did, but damn I wish he would have reached out to his family. I lost my older brother due to suicide. His death has affected and is still affecting many lives. Please reach out to somebody if you are struggling with depression, even if I don’t know you, I will drop what I’m doing and be there for you. I can’t stress this enough. You are loved. I love each and every one of y’all. Keep your head up and find the positives in your life. They outweigh the negatives by tons.

Man. Dreams are crazy. Dreaming about Chase has got to be one of the craziest experiences of my life. Hearing your voice again, seeing you, actually getting to talk to you. It’s all surreal. And in a moment, it’s gone. Waking up after dreaming about you is awful. Damn I miss you man. I know we all do. Please, if you are struggling with mental illness, do not be afraid to talk about it. There are way better things to look forward to in life. I will love you forever, Chaz 🤘🏼

Rob is my youngest son. This is what he wanted to share with everyone.

Tomorrow marks one year since my brother Chase Lanke, left this earth. This one year has been filled with a lot of scars and bruises. But we are now passed that FIRST mark. My first birthday without him, first Christmas, first Easter, first Mother’s Day, and now on July 30^th, 2019 our first full year without my big brother. The feeling of losing someone close to you is very scary. 

When I lost my oldest brother, I did not know what to think. I felt betrayed, hurt, and very confused. When I came home that day, I walked through the door running in my mother’s arm and her telling me, Chase was suffering from depression. But I did not understand why, and I am still to this day left with a million questions. Why would he want to leave my beautiful mother, with a hole in her heart? Why would he not tell Drew and me, that he could not live another day on this earth?  

With all these confusing thoughts going through my mind, I had to realize how loved and blessed I am. I am blessed I got to share a life with and call Chase my big brother. I am blessed to get to live everyday of my life through him. He made a choice that permanently hurt my family and left us with a feeling of not knowing when the pain will end. Although I miss him unconditionally every day, I have lived my past couple of months knowing I am making him happy. Not a day has gone by where he has not been on my mind. 

Through this rough year I’ve realized how fast life really goes by. Months turn into years and we are left with a distant memory. But I will never forget the long rides we had, the fights we got in, and most importantly the love and guidance he taught me in my 20 years. All along I know that Chase is with me forever and always. No one is ever alone. We often find ourselves in jealousy and depression from our past, but there is always a brighter day ahead in our future. Your life is worth more than anything time or money could buy. One year ago today my life changed forever and with the pain that sits in my chest now, I have no choice but to carry on. 

Chase, I know that you are somewhere out there sitting over watching me as my guardian, and every day I am closer to becoming the man you taught me to be. I will forever love you and continue to talk about you every day, until I see you again. I hope you are proud of me. 

Love from your lil bro,

Rob

If you  or anyone out there is struggling from mental health, depression, or anxiety, I promise your life is worth living. Reach out to your loved ones and talk to them every day. Check on their health and well-being because you may never know what someone is going through behind a closed door. Please reach out to my family and my amazing mother, as we will always be strong advocates for mental health. Our door is always open. Life is beautiful.

These boys of mine amaze me every single day, especially on how they have handled this tragedy. I am so extremely proud of the men they are becoming. It warms my heart so much. I know Chase is also proud of them. I love my 3 boys with all my being.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. We definitely need them!!

It has been on my heart for about a week to write something. So I decided today that I can’t hold off any longer. Thanks for all your support and kindness I receive every time I blog. I appreciate and take to heart each comment I get. I just write what is on my mind, and my mind jumps all over the place. But if you know me, that is so me all the time. LOL Love you all.

I’m so blessed to have a group I can go to that understands this hole I have in my heart. It’s a group of moms that have lost a child. We meet once a month. We laugh, we cry, we talk about our walk we are taking.It took me a while to go. But I am so glad I finally did. It is really good therapy for me and I am so extremely thankful for each of them.The thing I have realized about each of these beautiful and awesome ladies is that no matter how long time has passed, the loss of their child is still there present in their minds and hearts.

Last week, one friend suggested we talk about how we have seen God’s fingerprints on our lives since we lost our child. It’s actually hard for me to see it sometimes because I’m so hurt that Chase is gone. That realization that he’s no longer here is a slap in the face every morning when I wake up, and the pain I feel is so deep to my core.

Although it is hard to comprehend and get through each morning, there is one thing I did share with them that night. Since I believe in the Bible, I cling to the words from this verse. It is the only thing that makes losing Chase understandable to me in my mind. Psalms 139:16 states, “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” (‬‭NLT‬‬). This tells me that I was only granted 25 years with my son. He knew Chase was going to lose his life that night, and He allowed him to choose how it would happen. Because of this, God has given me a platform to reach out, learn about this type of depression, and try to help others.

My realization is that I lost my eldest through suicide. He was going through a battle that very few people knew about and understood, including me. The things that come to my mind when I think of this is what a friend said during the funeral (reworded by me). Chase knew how well loved he was. He knew he had a great family, awesome friends, and a wonderful job. He knew all of this but still felt this darkness, which depressed him even more. He told her that she did everything she could to help him. That it was just a “Chase” thing.

Because of the words he said to her, I want to know all about this mental illness. I want to understand it and reach out to others that feel this way. I want to make a difference and show him/her that I am here with no condemnation. I will listen with a good ear and help anyway I can. I am not really sure how to do this, but if I am open to it, I am confident that God will find me a way. He will show me the path to take to make this happen.

I think of Chase daily. I talk about him as much as I can. I am thankful for friends that listen and let me talk about him. My boys and I bring him up in conversation, as well as my extended family. I want him to still be present in our minds. It is so important to all of us that has lost our child to keep talking about him/her. It brings us joy, no matter how long it has been. I learned this from a workshop I went to 10 years ago from a lady that had lost her son. I now truly understand what she told me when I asked about her child that she had lost.

I want to leave one last thing someone wrote about Chase. It was read at the funeral. It describes Chase so very well. I received it that week after finding out about him. It was through messenger that this guy, that I have never met, sent it. He went to Alabama with him and was a pledge brother of his. I would love to meet him one day. Here you go… Most people in the world will sometimes choose to act not as their true selves in order to fit in with a crowd. To change their personalities to fit in. To substitute a viewpoint so as to be included with what’s accepted. Your son Chase was always true to himself. He had achieved a level of sincerity that was impossible for some, invisible to most. And he had the most beautiful mind, that was always, always questioning, and challenging the environment around him. He was exceptional, and he was important to me. Sincerest condolences to You. Thank you Mike Lawrence.

Please pray for my family as we are about to hit the year mark. July 30th is the day Chase was found. It still hurts my heart thinking about it and remembering that phone call. Not looking forward to it, but know we will handle it the best we can. I am so proud to have 2 boys that have each other, Bobby, and me to walk through it together. The boys are so strong and I am so proud of how they are handling it all. Love them so very much.

11 months ago, I got the call about my son, Chase. And it is still, to this day, so hard to believe it’s true.

How did I figure out how to say goodbye to my eldest son, the first one that made me a mom (or Mother as Chase always called me) 11 months ago? The one that had his whole life in front of him. He loved big and made everyone feel important. A guy that always made you feel like you were his best friend. One that listened always with interest and concern. The one that we all could depend on for anything and everything.

I’m so thankful God gave me 25 years to be his mom. It was a privilege that I’m glad I was granted and am still granted with my other two boys. Oh how I love each of them.

I went down one last time last week to his house. It was extra hard to walk in it this time. I never got to visit him there. I asked, but he wanted to get things in order before I came. I should have persisted more, but no use in that talk now.

I walked through each room imagining Chase there. I sat on his outside swing and took it all in. I then went back into his house into his bedroom closet and was totally overwhelmed. All of a sudden, I felt all the questions coming out of me like why? I then had to get back to the realization that I will never know until we meet again in Heaven.

I love this house. I love it so much that the Mobilians got one drawn for me. It’s the most beautiful painting. I’m so appreciative of their kindness and love they’ve shown me over the year. Their love for Chase was so incredible to see.

He had so many great friends. He had friends from his childhood, college, and Mobile that reached out to me over this past year.

I wrote about receiving all of the letters from Mobile. Well, I also received letters from people that were friends with him in college. Some of those letters were 4 pages long, telling me all of the stories/memories they shared with him. Love these sweet letters. I will always cherish every single one of them.

I stopped by the graveside today to visit with him. I love the saying on the bottom. The words are “Chaz” impacted many lives with his genuine smile and kindness of heart. I love that these are the things he left behind – his legacy. I started thinking what mine would say.

Are we being kind enough to everyone? Are we being good friends to one another? Are we there for one another? Are we showing enough compassion to everyone? And are we making sure we are being nonjudgmental?

I would hope that my tombstone one day will say something profound and positive like Chase’s. Don’t you?

Love you all. Thanks for your continued support for my boys and me, along with the rest of my family.

I so remember how excited, thrilled, and very scared I was when my water broke 26 years ago on the evening of June 3rd. We rushed to the hospital as soon as we could. You were a stubborn little thing. You didn’t want to come out and visit us yet.

Finally, on June 4th at 6:23 AM, you changed your mind and decided to see what this outside world was all about. We fell in love with you the minute we laid eyes on you. Your cute little dimple in your chin along with the twinkle in your eyes are the two things that caught my eye first. My heart swelled up with so much joy and love for you. We welcomed you with open arms. Friends and family gathered around to see you, hold you, and love on you. What a precious time it was.

You are the reason I started this mom life. I’m so thankful for that. I had no idea of what I was doing with you. But I learned quickly what I was doing right and what I was doing wrong. I am still learning mom lessons to this day.

I believed in this book that told me what to do with a newborn. I literally did everything the book told me to do. My family and friends have many stories of how strict I was following this book with you – funny stories looking back now. I just wanted to do the best I could for you. As I had each of the other boys, I realized no book could tell you everything, and that each child is different. I finally threw the book away months after Drew was born. By the time Rob came into this world, I was writing my own script.

Today, as I look back and reflect over the last 26 years, I’m constantly reminded of what a good and kind boy you were, and so grateful you carried that on through manhood. The kindness and love was felt by everyone that ever met you.

So proud of you and your accomplishments not only in school, but in life as well. Because at the end of it all, you can only take with you your legacy. From all the letters and conversations I have had with so many over this last year, your legacy you left behind is incredible and one to be very proud of.

A couple of cute stories I want to share about Chase that will give you insight to who he was from childhood.

When he was going into kindergarten, I called the bus system. I was a nervous parent wanting to see if they could drop him off in front of my house. They said yes. After the first day, the bus driver told me that he couldn’t turn around very well, so he would need to drop him off 2 houses down where another street joined ours. I could still see him when he would get off the bus from my front porch, so I said ok. Well I forgot to tell Chase. I was outside on my porch the next day, and the bus pulled up. The doors opened but no one got off. I was starting to panick. Then the bus doors closed, backed up, and came down and stopped in front of my house. Chase got off. I walked up to the bus driver and he informed me that Chase would not get off the bus because I had told him not to unless he was in front of the house. It was so funny And cute. I told Chase that he could get off the bus 2 doors down from now on. That solved that problem. The boy was such a rule follower.

When he was going into first grade, we went to “Meet the teacher” event. After we met the teacher, we went it into the hall. Bobby and I told him that we hoped he would have another great year as he did in kindergarten. He got big tears in his eyes and got upset. We asked him what was wrong. He said that he didn’t have a great year because he got in trouble that ONE time last year. I had a friend standing by me and told Chase that she wished her son could have made it one week without getting into trouble in kindergarten. Lol Chase wanted to be perfect even when he was 6.

He went off to a dinner with his youth group. I told him to ride with a certain parent because she was bringing him home. In the mean time, another gf called me and told me that she could bring Chase home since she would be riding right by our house. I told her that was a great idea. So she went up to Chase when dinner was over and told him that she would be dropping him off at his house. He politely told her he had to ride with the other mom because I told him that. My gf had to call me on the phone and let me tell Chase that it was ok to ride home with her. I absolutely loved his obedience to me.

Chase, you have not only been a great son, but also a great brother, nephew, cousin, friend, and coworker. You always strived to be the very best of you that you could be. You always put yourself through being the best, and was always disappointed when you weren’t. That was all in your head, because we had you top notch in so many of our worlds. You deserved that spot.

We are missing you so much down here on earth, Chase. We are all wanting to pick up the phone and text you, call you, or take you out for a drink tonight. But we can’t. We have to come to the realization that you chose a different path for your life. You chose to end it sooner than we wanted. It’s called mental illness.

Mental illness is something we can’t keep in a pretty little box. The struggle they are going through is real. The more we can open up to listen to people, WITHOUT JUDGMENT, the more they will open up to you. WITHOUT JUDGEMENT IS THE KEY.

Please allow yourself to open your mind to it, be there for the people that need you with an open ear. Don’t share it with anyone that will spread rumors. Get help from the right people, ones that will help and love you through and with them.

I’m so blessed to have so many that I can count on in a blink of an eye. I’ve had so many calls, texts, gifts, and posts from Facebook/Instagram that have helped me through this day. I’m so blessed to know that I could tell my family and close friends what I really needed to do today and they respected it 100%.

Alway remember that I am real with my words and actions. I will love you for exactly who you are. You do have an ear with me with absolutely no judgement. I love you all so much.

Happy 26th birthday on earth, and first birthday in heaven my son. Love you always to the moon and back. (Maybe it should now be to Heaven and back). We miss you wholeheartedly and want you to know what an impact you made on everyone of our lives.

Keep watching over us, Chase. Send me a rainbow soon please. 😘❤️🌈

After we got back from the weekend of laying Chase to rest, we had to figure out how to make it through this life with out him. I’m thankful that my sisters were able to stay another week or so. It was good having them here with us.

Meanwhile, the Mobilians had to go back to their lives without Chase as well. They decided to do something in Chase’s honor after a kickball game the very next week. They got together with O’Daly’s Irish Pub and called it “Kegs for Chase”. If people wrote down a memory, they got a free beer from some donated kegs. So many people came out.

When my family went to Mobile the next weekend to check on his house and stuff, we went by O’Daly’s to thank them. They presented to my boys and me a big woven basket. It had the memories people had written inside it. In my mind, I was thinking it would be a large glass vase with small slips of paper with memories written on them. When I opened the beautiful basket, I was blown away. It had at least 50 sheets of notebook paper in it. The pages were filled with memories.

The letters were so heartfelt. I loved reading the memories they wrote down. I’ll cherish them forever. A few things that most said was: how he lit up a room with his smile, how he made an everlasting impact on them, how he was the kindest person, how he always made everyone feel included, the very best and dependable friend, and how he challenged them to be better. He was always checking on his friends making sure they were ok. He whole heartedly cared about each one of them and loved them dearly. I am now so blessed to have them part of my family, and totally understand why they meant so much to him.

The lesson I have learned from these sweet memories is that we need to tell people how important they are to us daily. People need to hear something positive they are doing. I think it could help change the life of someone that may be struggling. They may mask their depression, but if we tell the ones close to us how much they mean to us, it may make that day brighter in their minds.

So always be kind. Grab them and hug them tight. Love on everyone. Find something good to say to that person about themselves. And pray. Pray that through Chase’s death, lives will be saved and changed forever.

Love you oh so much my Chase. Thank you for being so kind and loving to everyone. Thank you for always making people laugh. These things will forever be remembered and I will always cherish every second I spent with you. I am so thankful God gave me you these 25 years. I will never understand why it was your time to go, but I will continue to trust and lean on God to help us make something positive out of your death.