Thoughts Within

Does anyone ever wonder what a mom that has lost a child really thinks about, how her mind works after finding out that her child is gone? The truth is that her life will NEVER EVER be the same. Whether they have other children or not, she will forever be changed. Sure, ones that have other children have them to think about, but the hole in their heart is still there. Mothers that have lost their child are in a special club, one that we would rather not have new members, only because we don’t want another mother to go through this deep heart wrenching pain.

No matter how their child was taken away, the reality of not being able to see, hug, chat with him/her is the same. Some parents had to watch their child go through pain because of cancer or other medical reasons until he/she took their last breath. Other parents had to get that dreadful phone call or visit to tell them that their child is no longer alive. It doesn’t matter if it’s been a month or 30 years, that hole is still there. Nothing will ever fill it until we can get our eyes on him/her again in Heaven. What a glorious day that will be.

There is a book I have been listening to on Audible. It is called Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. The book is about a therapist seeking out a therapist because of a crises happening in her own life. It’s a great read, or in my case, a great listen. There are times I am in my car listening to it and I catch my mind on something else. Then all of a sudden, I will hear something profound that she has said. I go back and listen to it multiple times until I really understand what she is saying. I have to chew on it a bit until I can see how what she said really can change my life for the better.

Here are a few profound words from the book that totally resonated with me. “People talk about suicide, not because they want to be dead, but because they want to end their pain. If they can just find a way to do that, they very much want to be alive.” I can actually understand that this is how Chase felt. Although his life seemed almost perfect on the outside, he was in terrible pain on the inside. It overcame him and he found a way to end it. I also believe that he did not plan his suicide on this particular day.

On that Thursday, he went to work, came home, ordered a chair for his new house, played kickball with his friends, and then went and had a beer with them. He didn’t seem depressed to most of them that were around him that night. I know that he had talked about suicide to a few very close friends, but always said he would never go through with it because he wouldn’t put me through that. I totally believe that he meant those words. But for some unknown reason, the pain he was feeling inside was too overwhelming that he chose to take his life either late that night or early that Friday morning.

Neighbors across the street noticed his car never moved from Friday morning until he was found Monday morning. Friends reached out to him over the weekend, but no one actually chatted with him. I even called him that Saturday morning as well, but he did not answer. I didn’t really think anything of it, since he was usually out and about spending time with friends that lived there. Little did I know that he was in his closet the whole time. Sometimes this is a visual I just can’t get out of my head. It hurts me to the core that he was there for days all alone in his closet. He made a permanent decision for a temporary problem that would change so many of our lives forever.

Chase would have never intentionally hurt the ones closest to him. He was always the nice guy that would do anything for anybody. I never heard him be judgemental towards people or their actions. He was just a good dependable friend, along with being a bright light in this world with his beautiful smile and kind heart. He was a wonderful son to me and a great big brother to my other boys. None of us saw this depressed side of him. He masked it so well from so many of us. Even when he told me two weeks before that he had been battling depression, I never thought once to ask him if he ever had suicidal thoughts.

Chase and I had a great talk on the phone, or so I thought, about him dealing with his depression 2 weeks before he ended his life. I told him that if he asked a hundred people to raise their hand if they had ever dealt with anxiety or depression, at least 80 of them would do so if they were being honest and truthful. I told him that this is something that should not make him feel ashamed or embarrassed. Many people in his family, including me, have felt depressed and/or anxious. We have gone to the doctor and have been or are still on some type of medicine to help us deal with it. I told him the best place to be right now is with his family. I am so very blessed that he drove on up to Chattanooga that weekend instead of turning around and going back home like he wanted to do. It was the last time my family and I would see him alive. We now cherish every second we had spent with him over those couple of days.

The things I have learned about the type of depression that Chase was dealing with has been very eye opening. It is a scary thing to think there are so many others just like him walking around hiding behind a mask. Lori Gottlieb states that “men commit suicide 3 times more often than women.” She doesn’t really go into an explanation of why this is true. I did research it further in an article called Differences in Suicide Among Men and Women. It states that “Around 62% of women who are successful in suicide have made a previous attempt, but when it comes to men, 62% of those who die from suicide have not had a previous attempt.” I know, because a close friend had shared this with me, that Chase had planned one out at an earlier time. But when he started writing his suicide letter, he realized how blessed he was, and decided against it. I am not sure how long ago that was before that dreadful night or morning that he went through with his plan. I know that this is why he didn’t leave a note or letter for me.

Lori Gottlieb also states that “whenever suicide comes up, either because the therapist or patient broaches the topic, bringing it up does not, as some worry, plant the idea in one’s head.” Because of this, I do now bring it up if I am worried about someone. I know that if it is truly a worry of mine, then they have thought about it as well. I want my relationship with all around me to be open and honest. I want them to know that they can talk to me about anything and everything. I will not judge. I will just listen and talk with them about the crises they are going through. I want no one else that feels so much pain think there is no other way out than suicide. I want to help them with the pain. I am no therapist, but I do have a good ear and a very open heart. I love all people no matter what.

In saying that, I have heard people start to tell me something, but they stop and say that what they are going through doesn’t compare to what I have been and still am going through. The truth is that they are right. There is no comparison to losing a child. Not any. But that doesn’t mean that their worry is not important. Whatever someone is going through, it is so important to talk to someone about it, especially if it is causing them so much pain and altering their life in any way at all. I want to be that person for them. I don’t want someone to not talk to me because of what I have experienced. It is polar opposite. I want to talk to him/her because of the loss of my child. He went through so much pain and couldn’t find a way around it. He was trying to get help. He was prescribed medicine and was continuing to find a therapist that he felt was the right one. But at the end, he felt taking his life was the only answer he could come up with. So please remember I am here. I will listen and hug on you. I love each of you so much!!

Thank you again for taking time out to read my blogs. My prayer is that in showing my heart, I will help others somehow someway! Please continue to pray for my family and me. Although a year has passed us by, the pain has not gone away. I don’t think it ever will, and I actually don’t want it to. I want to talk about Chase as much as I talk about my other boys. I want his memory to stay alive in all of our hearts.

Also, please help us with the 2nd annual “Chasing Awareness” event. We are raising money for the prevention of suicide. You can help in so many ways. You can get your company to become a sponsor, you can personally donate, come play cornhole, buy a t-shirt (you get a “Chasing Awareness” bracelet with your purchase), buy some raffle tickets, and just come celebrate Chase’s life with us as we talk about him. A guest speaker will be there as well. He lost his 11 year old sister to suicide. JaQuan has a powerful message he wants to share with us. I can’t wait to hear him.
If interested in any of these things I mentioned above, just reach out to me. Again, I love you all!!!