Random Thoughts

It has been on my heart for about a week to write something. So I decided today that I can’t hold off any longer. Thanks for all your support and kindness I receive every time I blog. I appreciate and take to heart each comment I get. I just write what is on my mind, and my mind jumps all over the place. But if you know me, that is so me all the time. LOL Love you all.

I’m so blessed to have a group I can go to that understands this hole I have in my heart. It’s a group of moms that have lost a child. We meet once a month. We laugh, we cry, we talk about our walk we are taking.It took me a while to go. But I am so glad I finally did. It is really good therapy for me and I am so extremely thankful for each of them.The thing I have realized about each of these beautiful and awesome ladies is that no matter how long time has passed, the loss of their child is still there present in their minds and hearts.

Last week, one friend suggested we talk about how we have seen God’s fingerprints on our lives since we lost our child. It’s actually hard for me to see it sometimes because I’m so hurt that Chase is gone. That realization that he’s no longer here is a slap in the face every morning when I wake up, and the pain I feel is so deep to my core.

Although it is hard to comprehend and get through each morning, there is one thing I did share with them that night. Since I believe in the Bible, I cling to the words from this verse. It is the only thing that makes losing Chase understandable to me in my mind. Psalms 139:16 states, “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” (‬‭NLT‬‬). This tells me that I was only granted 25 years with my son. He knew Chase was going to lose his life that night, and He allowed him to choose how it would happen. Because of this, God has given me a platform to reach out, learn about this type of depression, and try to help others.

My realization is that I lost my eldest through suicide. He was going through a battle that very few people knew about and understood, including me. The things that come to my mind when I think of this is what a friend said during the funeral (reworded by me). Chase knew how well loved he was. He knew he had a great family, awesome friends, and a wonderful job. He knew all of this but still felt this darkness, which depressed him even more. He told her that she did everything she could to help him. That it was just a “Chase” thing.

Because of the words he said to her, I want to know all about this mental illness. I want to understand it and reach out to others that feel this way. I want to make a difference and show him/her that I am here with no condemnation. I will listen with a good ear and help anyway I can. I am not really sure how to do this, but if I am open to it, I am confident that God will find me a way. He will show me the path to take to make this happen.

I think of Chase daily. I talk about him as much as I can. I am thankful for friends that listen and let me talk about him. My boys and I bring him up in conversation, as well as my extended family. I want him to still be present in our minds. It is so important to all of us that has lost our child to keep talking about him/her. It brings us joy, no matter how long it has been. I learned this from a workshop I went to 10 years ago from a lady that had lost her son. I now truly understand what she told me when I asked about her child that she had lost.

I want to leave one last thing someone wrote about Chase. It was read at the funeral. It describes Chase so very well. I received it that week after finding out about him. It was through messenger that this guy, that I have never met, sent it. He went to Alabama with him and was a pledge brother of his. I would love to meet him one day. Here you go… Most people in the world will sometimes choose to act not as their true selves in order to fit in with a crowd. To change their personalities to fit in. To substitute a viewpoint so as to be included with what’s accepted. Your son Chase was always true to himself. He had achieved a level of sincerity that was impossible for some, invisible to most. And he had the most beautiful mind, that was always, always questioning, and challenging the environment around him. He was exceptional, and he was important to me. Sincerest condolences to You. Thank you Mike Lawrence.

Please pray for my family as we are about to hit the year mark. July 30th is the day Chase was found. It still hurts my heart thinking about it and remembering that phone call. Not looking forward to it, but know we will handle it the best we can. I am so proud to have 2 boys that have each other, Bobby, and me to walk through it together. The boys are so strong and I am so proud of how they are handling it all. Love them so very much.