Missing you

11 months ago, I got the call about my son, Chase. And it is still, to this day, so hard to believe it’s true.

How did I figure out how to say goodbye to my eldest son, the first one that made me a mom (or Mother as Chase always called me) 11 months ago? The one that had his whole life in front of him. He loved big and made everyone feel important. A guy that always made you feel like you were his best friend. One that listened always with interest and concern. The one that we all could depend on for anything and everything.

I’m so thankful God gave me 25 years to be his mom. It was a privilege that I’m glad I was granted and am still granted with my other two boys. Oh how I love each of them.

I went down one last time last week to his house. It was extra hard to walk in it this time. I never got to visit him there. I asked, but he wanted to get things in order before I came. I should have persisted more, but no use in that talk now.

I walked through each room imagining Chase there. I sat on his outside swing and took it all in. I then went back into his house into his bedroom closet and was totally overwhelmed. All of a sudden, I felt all the questions coming out of me like why? I then had to get back to the realization that I will never know until we meet again in Heaven.

I love this house. I love it so much that the Mobilians got one drawn for me. It’s the most beautiful painting. I’m so appreciative of their kindness and love they’ve shown me over the year. Their love for Chase was so incredible to see.

He had so many great friends. He had friends from his childhood, college, and Mobile that reached out to me over this past year.

I wrote about receiving all of the letters from Mobile. Well, I also received letters from people that were friends with him in college. Some of those letters were 4 pages long, telling me all of the stories/memories they shared with him. Love these sweet letters. I will always cherish every single one of them.

I stopped by the graveside today to visit with him. I love the saying on the bottom. The words are “Chaz” impacted many lives with his genuine smile and kindness of heart. I love that these are the things he left behind – his legacy. I started thinking what mine would say.

Are we being kind enough to everyone? Are we being good friends to one another? Are we there for one another? Are we showing enough compassion to everyone? And are we making sure we are being nonjudgmental?

I would hope that my tombstone one day will say something profound and positive like Chase’s. Don’t you?

Love you all. Thanks for your continued support for my boys and me, along with the rest of my family.