Dear Chase,

First of all, I miss you oh so much. 1/3 of my heart will never be the same. It’s crazy to think of where you could be if you were to have held on and made it through the darkness.

I have been fortunate enough to work with some younger kids that most likely felt like you did when you were younger. My hope is to help them see that they are unique, needed, and wanted. I pray they can hold on to what I have told them forever in their life. I wish I could have done that for you, if only I would have known.

Because of the pain of losing you, I pray that I can turn around and help the ones that see no light in front of them. I pray that I can show them a dim light that can shine brighter as they move on. I wish I could have done that for you, my son.

You have taught me so many lessons on grace and love for other people. You were always the example. When I complained about someone, you quickly reminded me that I did not know their whole story. After your death, I continued to build my relationships with that mind set. if we could all have that kind of mind set, life would be so much more peaceful. It would still be hard. It would just be more bearable knowing we have friends there to help us.

You have changed so many lives since you left us. I wonder how many more you could have saved if only you were still here with us. Your kind spirit was always such a light to everyone around you. I have so many letters and notes from your friends that remind me of your kindness and acceptance you showed to so many.

Keep a watch over your brothers, family, friends, and me. We are doing our very best to make you proud and shine the light on darkness, helping them to see the little sparks of light that can bring others out of the darkness.

Love you, my son, with everything I have in me.

Mom

Dear Chase,

I cannot believe today is the 5-year mark since I received that phone call about you from the investigator. I’ll never forget where I was at that moment. The poor employees and customers had no idea why they heard this unbelievable moan and cry from me. They didn’t know why I found a place and fell to the ground and stayed laying there for who knows how long. I didn’t know what to do with this information, Chase. I was in disbelief that my handsome, intelligent, loving, funny, and successful son had taken his life.

Somehow I pulled myself together and drove home. I needed to see your brothers and dad in person so I could tell them first and figure out how to handle the news and what next steps we would need to take. Boy, the words were just so hard to say. I could not give them any answers to why it happened. I mean, you had just told me 2 weeks before that you were dealing with some depression issues. You also reassured me that you were on medicine and looking for a therapist to see. I also told you that almost everyone deals with some kind of depression/anxiety issues and that it is okay that you are feeling this way.

I had no idea the depth of your depression. There are all kinds of thoughts/questions that still run through my head, mind, and heart. They are all the “what if” questions. What if I would have dug further into it with you? What if I would have asked you if you ever had suicidal thoughts or made a plan? Why didn’t you tell me how bad your depression was? Why didn’t I check on you more? Why didn’t I call you that Thursday night instead of waiting until Saturday to see if I could come the next weekend because it was too late then? There are so many questions that are still unanswered for not only me but also your family and friends.

I don’t know if you understood how loved you were and still are. People traveled from all over for your visitation and funeral. My family and I heard so many stories about how you were that person’s best friend, You made everyone feel that they were important to you. Your company shared what a key role you played in your position with them, and how they saw you moving up the ladder very quickly. Friends from elementary school to college to work shared with us the love and care you had shown them and vice versa. I could go on and on about how well you were loved and cherished by everyone who pretty much crossed your path. I saw so many shocked faces that they were there to say their final goodbye to you and show their support to your family. Man, if only you knew and understood how much you were really loved and cherished.

You have missed so much since that day. You missed your brothers and my graduation from college. 2 cousins and 1 brother has gotten married, along with many of your friends. You have a couple that actually named their child after you. So many others have had babies as well. A lot of life changes have happened. I know you would be so incredibly proud of and for each of them. Life continues to move on, but the hole in my heart will be there until I see you once again in heaven.

You know that I was upset with God for taking you from my family and me. I continued asking him why until He put some bible verses in my heart that reminded me of how I can not see the big picture. He reminded me that He makes no mistakes and that although my pain is real and sometimes hard to bear, He is there lifting me up so that I will not fall into the rabbit hole. He also continues to remind me that good has come out of your death. He has proven that to me over and over again by hearing stories of the impact your life and death have made on their personal decisions before and after they received the news of your passing.

Here are some events that were put together in your name. Your Mobilians had an event after the kickball game you loved so much at O’Daly’s, where everyone could write a memory about you. I sure do cherish every one of those notes. I have read them so many times over the last 5 years and will continue to do so. Your college friends put together a “Chasing Awareness” event in Birmingham for 2 years to help people understand the importance that it is okay to not be okay, and we need to start talking about it. We moved it to Jackson last year and having our 2nd one at the Jackson Futbol Club on September 9th.

Sweet Chase Aaron, you will never be forgotten. The kindness and love you shared with so many will continue to have an impact on their lives. Thank you for being such a wonderful son that supported me throughout your days. I thank God for the time he gave me with you. You will always be so missed. Love you, my Chase, forever and always.

Love,

Mother/ Mama

Chase’s big 30th birthday is today. It’s crazy to think about what his life would be if he were still with us on this earth. He has missed so much since he’s been gone, like his brothers/cousins and even my college graduation. Family and close friends’ weddings and new births have been celebrated. He would be so excited for and proud of each one of them.

The hardest thing to continue to wrap my mind around is that he is not here to celebrate any of it. It’s an intense struggle to not go down that rabbit hole of what-ifs and whys. What could I have done differently to help him get through that tough time once he shared he was going through some depression issues. Why didn’t I reach out more once he told me 2 weeks before the tragedy?

When I find myself falling into that rabbit hole, God gives me the strength to crawl my way back out by putting my mind to ease knowing I will never grasp the true understanding of what he was going through. No one did unless he opened up every bit of himself to it. And even then, would it have changed?

Please remember to be kind to all around you. You never know who needs that smile, hug, kind words, etc. from you. Kindness can have an output on the rest of their day, week, and year. Making someone feel special is not hard to do. Chase looked as if he had everything in place. He wanted to make sure everyone else felt special. He just never gave grace to himself. So his negative thoughts about himself became captive in his mind and ended up overtaking him.

So, please have real talks with your friends. Tell them something secretive about your feelings so they feel like they have a safe place to tell you their thoughts and feelings. Ask them hard questions. Be there with no judgment at all. Most people aren’t looking for answers. They just want to talk through what they are feeling. Being listened to, loved on, and appreciated is what they want to feel. Be that person!!

I have always held on to these verses in the bible from Psalms 139:13-18 (NKV). It helps me to know that our days are numbered before we are even born. How can I ask God why did he allow Chase to die when his death date was already written before he took his first breath.

Psalms 139:13-18 says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depth of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand – when I awake, I am still with you!!!

I have the honor of working with a true and mighty prayer warrior. God puts on her heart something to do and she does it. She called me one day and asked me what my favorite bible verse was. I told her a few. She reminded me that I should start my day every day reading bible verses before I step out of my car. So that night, I wrote some in my notes on my phone. Psalms 139:13-18 is one of them since I have shared these verses over and over with others grieving the loss of a loved one. While I was reading the last verse, I noticed something that I never really thought about before.

The last verse caught my attention like never before, so I read it over again. It says, “When I awake, I am still with you. I all of a sudden realized that when Chase awoke, God was still with him. It doesn’t specify that this only applies to us alive. I started bawling. The idea that Chase woke up to Jesus gave me a sense of peace that I can’t even explain. I knew that is what I had imagined, but it is written right there for me to not question it anymore.

I watched Chase when he was young, speak the words of his salvation to Jesus. I remember exactly where we were sitting. He didn’t get my attention. I just happen to look over and read his lips. Afterward, he grabbed my hand and we walked down to the alter call. Weeks later, he was baptized. It was the most precious moment. I knew that he was not only my son, but he was also my brother in Christ.

In saying all of that, I know the enemy can come in and make us feel worthless through many different vices, like social media, listening to others around us, comparing ourselves to others, etc. It is hard to change the mindset when it is already taken captive in our minds. We must depend on others to help us through it. Please be that person for someone!!

Happy 30th birthday, my Chase Aaron! I love you to Heaven and back and miss you every day!!!

The day I got the dreadful call about Chase was yesterday. That’s the day he was found. We are not certain of when it happened though. Because of this, the days before are hard as well.

We do know that on Thursday night, he went and played kickball. He went out afterwards with his friends to celebrate their win. Friday, he didn’t go to work. His supervisor thought he had the days mixed up on when he was taking off and didn’t worry. I called him Saturday and didn’t get an answer. I didn’t think anything of it. I knew he stayed pretty busy with his friends. A friend drove by Sunday and saw his car in the drive. Everything looked normal. She thought if she hadn’t heard back from him by Monday, she would check on him.

Monday morning I tried to call him. His phone battery had depleted. I thought that was extremely odd, so I called his work phone. He didn’t answer. I left him a voicemail asking if he was ok and to call me back. Around 11, I got a call I didn’t recognize. I didn’t answer. Immediately my phone rang again from one of his friends. That’s when I found out that Chase, my smart, caring, and loving son, had taken his life.

That’s why these days are just as hard as the day I got the call. They never gave me a true time of death. The idea my son was there alone for a whole weekend breaks my heart into. It’s crazy how easily your life can change completely with just a few words.

I know my son is in Heaven. I actually listened to him ask God to be his Lord and Savior. Thank God I don’t have to worry about that. I also know that Chase held on to this earthly life as long as he could. The inner pain was just too much to bear so he gave into it.

Very few people knew the depth of his depression. I know my son, and I know he didn’t want anyone to think differently about him. That’s why we need to invest in others lives. We need to love everyone around us. We need to ask hard questions to the people we know aren’t really doing well.

I have read and researched so much on depression and mental illness. They may have a life that looks incredible on the outside, but inside they are hurting. A close friend of Chase told me that he knew how blessed and loved he was. He said that he has no reason to feel this depression because his life was so blessed. He didn’t understand why he was feeling this way because of his beautiful life, and that made him fall deeper in his depression.

So when you are sitting around with someone that seems depressed, just let them talk about anything they want. They are not trying to find answers. They just want someone to listen to and love them for who they are. Ask them questions about thoughts on suicide and have they ever made a plan. If they have, please ask them to seek help and continue to do so until they have found a counselor.

I miss you, my Chase, and so does all your family and friends. Life will never ever be the same. So, we are doing our best to bring suicide awareness to all who will let us.

If you are interested in going, volunteering, playing in a cornhole tournament, playing in the 3v3 soccer match, winning prizes, listening to some music, get a t-shirt, and eat some food, please let me know. Search Chasing Awareness Event on Fb. The link to the Chasing Awareness store is https://mississippi-alliance-to-end-suicide.square.site/

Thank you for all the love and support shown to my boys and me, especially over the last 4 years!!! It would have been a harder path to walk without you! We feel very blessed!! Love you all!

The bible reminds us in Ecclesiastes, chapter 3,
“1There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace. “

Today, I want to spend time celebrating, rejoicing, and embracing the life of Chase Lanke. Today marks his 29th birthday if he was still on this earth with us. Since we can’t actually celebrate with him, I am asking everyone to remember his life and the impact he made on us all. This child/young man was so kind and considerate of others. He wanted everyone to feel like they were important and that they mattered. So let’s do the same today to everyone around us, whether you are surrounded by strangers or friends. Throw a smile toward them. Let them know they matter.

Each year since his death, I have received messages from his friends telling me about memories they have with him. Memories that will stay with them forever. I love hearing them over and over. There are some that reach out to me that I haven’t even met, wanting to tell me about their friendship and the impact Chase still has on their lives. Precious memories that I take in and cherish. So if you have one, please shoot me a text or add it to the comment page on this website. I love reading them.

Today, I want to share some sweet memories I have with him. This child did not want to meet us. He was very comfortable inside my tummy. When my water broke, we went straight to the hospital. After 15 hours and 2 epidurals, he finally decided to make his presence known. I fell in love with him the minute they put him into my arms. He had the brownest eyes and hair along with all 10 toes and fingers. He was absolutely perfect. He was blessed with so many family members and great friends that were eagerly waiting to meet him. He was so loved already.

I, as a first mom, had no idea what I had gotten myself into. Someone gave me a “How to” baby book and I followed it as if it was my other bible. If it told me I could only feed him x amount of times, so be it. If the book told me to allow him to cry when he went to bed, I cried too outside his room. The book was the law and I followed it to a T. Just ask my family… I will say that I never followed it again with my other boys. It says a lot, doesn’t it? Bless Chase’s heart. Ha Ha Ha

Chase started doing everything earlier than expected. He talked early, understood early, and followed all the rules early. For instance, my sister taught him how to say, “Beans make me fart” at an early age (15 months or so). When I found out about it, I told him he was not allowed to say it because fart was an ugly word. Cindy and Jefri kept him right after that. Cindy asked him, “What do beans make you do, Chase?” He looked at her and said, “Aunt Cindy, I can’t say beans make me fart because my mommy says that it is an ugly thing to say”. Of course, if you know my sister, she kept on asking what I said he couldn’t say just to make him say it over and over again. It is a story that we will continue to tell and laugh about.

Chase was incredibly shy. I would ask him if he wanted to have a friend come over and stay the night with him. He thought that was really strange. So, instead, I would call the mom and ask if her son could come and stay the night. They would always say yes. He had lots of fun and was so glad I did it afterward. They played flashlight so many times on the golf course and the whole neighborhood would come out and play.

When he was in middle school/high school, he would put together a neighborhood bake-off contest. They would come to my house, look through recipes, and make me a list of ingredients they needed. After going to the grocery store and getting everything, they would have a cook-off. We would call the neighbors in to be the judges to choose the best one. It was always so much fun. Chase and his friends would have a blast making everything in my kitchen. He would always say or do something to make sure everyone was laughing and having fun.

He spent lots of his time during summers with his cousins in Alabama. He actually went to a “manners” class with Austin. They learned how to set a table, pull out a chair for a woman, along with many other important life lessons. He didn’t really care what he was doing as long as he had his best friend, his cousin, with him. See, Austin and Chase thought a lot alike. They both ended up graduating as National Merit Finalists and chemical engineers from college. I used to watch them talk and wondered what underlying language they were actually speaking. LOL

I have so many more precious memories to write about, but I will wait until another day. I do ask you a favor. I would love for everyone to raise a glass for Chase sometime today and wish him a happy birthday. He would want it no other way. He would want you to enjoy every second of the day and know he is cheering you back from Heaven.

Thanks for reading! I miss my boy every single moment of every single day. I know so many people are struggling with life issues and sometimes get it into their minds that life would be better without them in it. It is so not true. Every single person is so important and means something to someone/many people. Making a life-changing choice affects people that you don’t even realize. So, please reach out to someone you can trust. Allow them to love and take care of you because YOUR LIFE MATTERS!!!!

#chasingawarenessonestepatatime #bekindtoyourselfandothers #alwaysbethereforsomeone

I watched the movie Dear Evan Hansen today. I cried through the last part of it. It reminded me of Chase and the struggles people go through with and without telling others. It is hard to watch movies or read books like this, but it helps me understand a little better the mindset of others that think differently than I may.

Chase’s story is different than the main character. His life was rocking on the outside. Everything looked picture perfect. Although Chase knew that he was so loved and blessed, he still found himself in a darkness that ended up overtaking him.

There are other people that go through life feeling like they are invisible. They have struggled with the darkness and isolation for a long time. They have gotten help through counseling and maybe medicine. Sooner or later, some end up finding themselves questioning why they exist and who would really miss them if they were not here.

There are some that fall into the darkness due to a traumatic event or moment that happened in their lives. The mind becomes full of doubts and questions. They start believing that it’s their fault, which makes them confined in the darkness. People try to help them, but it falls on deaf ears until they find themselves in a place that can listen and seek help.

Some try to numb the pain they are going through with drugs, alcohol, or even focusing on something else that only gives them joy for the time being. That’s human nature trying to deal with the failures, disappointments, sadness, etc that falls upon us sometimes without notice.

I’m guilty of trying to find something, that I know is not the answer, to numb the pain. Although I know it’s not going to give me peace, it helps me to put a bandaid on it for the time being. I think we are all guilty of it if we look really closely into ourselves. Sooner or later, it will either take our lives and thoughts captive or we find a way to break free from it. The struggle is real.

I’m being real with you because I know there is hope waiting for us. As bad as we want to play the victim, we must find a way to move away from it. I’m not saying to forget about it. We need to accept it so we can learn and grow from it. This will help us be there for others that are going through it by sharing our stories with them as well as holding their hand and listening to them.

Thank God I have my really close family and friends. I can talk to them about Chase without questions or advice. They help me keep his memory alive by listening to my stories about Chase. They are there for me with no judgment or criticism. I am very blessed to have them in my life.

I’m also extremely thankful for my “Too Soon” group and “MATES” group. The way we understand each other and know we can depend on each other finds us with hope and gratitude. We understand each other because our paths are very similar. We are all trying to make it through life without our loved ones, and it helps to have each other around that are truly walking this same path.

After watching the movie, my mind was filled with thoughts of what we could do to help those who feel isolated, invisible, unloved, and/or unwanted. I believe that we need to make sure we pay attention to our friends. We need to notice and be concerned if there is a change in any way. Sometimes we need to just simply ask if they are ok, insuring them that you are there to just listen.

I believe we also need to pray. We need to ask God to help us notice/be aware of the people around us. Let’s put our minds and time into people around us. Let’s show love to one another. We can do this by looking strangers in the eye and saying hi, giving sincere hugs to family and friends, having real deep conversations with people around us.

Let’s make 2022 the best year ever by building each other up through kind words, no matter how big or small they are. That person may need to hear it at that moment. This could make him or her feel that someone noticed or cared. Let’s invest in each other’s lives. God puts in our path the people we need at the time. Let’s use that time for friendship and fellowship, appreciating who that person is, flaws and all. And mostly, let’s depend on God to give us the insight and wisdom to make a long-lasting impact for the good in our own lives and the lives of others.

Let’s change the struggle is real to we will face the struggle and ask God to show us how to get through it. Love you all!!

Darkness is found when the sun goes down and no lights are on. It’s when you look out and can’t see or make out anything. Darkness happens every evening until the sun rises again the next day. We can find light in the darkness through turning on a lamp, lights, or lighting a candle or fire.

There are times our minds can see only darkness even on the brightest of days. Although we can see with our eyes the daylight, the mind is so filled with gloom that it can’t be found. This causes a state of depression or sadness no matter what it looks like around us or how great our life is going. That’s when we put our masks on to make it through the day.

Chase told a friend about this kind of darkness. He told her that he knew how blessed he was and mentioned all of those blessings to her. He said that although he knew how great and blessed his life was, he found himself in darkness. He could not make gloomy clouds go away, so it made him even more depressed. He could not control his own darkness no matter how hard he tried.

It’s heart wrenching to think about the pain he went through almost silently and alone. He left all of us with a big hole and a lot of questions. He didn’t do it out of selfishness or any kind of retribution. He took his life because he couldn’t hold on to the darkness any longer. The full mask was taken off that night, and the light he so desperately was looking for was found when he met Jesus!!

Guys, depression and mental illness is real. The completion of suicide has become very prominent in our world today. There are many facets and situations that can cause us to fall into deep depression. Just look on any social media outlets. Everyone’s lives looks so picture perfect. Every pic is all smiles and having a good time. It’s easy to look at them and think what a perfect life they have.

I’m guilty of it. I put pics up of events going on in my life. I don’t take pics and post of me breaking down because of different situations in life. I want to post how happy and proud I am of my boys and friends. I love the pics and cherish all of them. I hear all the time how busy I look and how well I’m doing based on the pics I post. Although the pics show all smiles, it is not always the case.

During this Christmas time, please remember to show grace and love to all around. Although the masks are up on everyone we see, an extra smile, touch, or hug tells them even more. It shows them that they matter that day. It may be all that they hold onto at that moment, and can change their path. You never know. That’s why it’s so important to just be kind.

Kindness is the key. Take care of your people around you. Love on them. Shed the judgements and try to understand each of them and the experiences they have had to make them the way they are. We don’t understand or maybe not even comprehend their childhood raising. All we know is ours. We seem to judge them based on what we learned growing up. Keep that in mind when you are looking to understand someone.

Life is way too short. We need to learn to be vulnerable. Express to everyone around how much they mean to you no matter what. It maybe the only chance you have. Don’t miss that opportunity, no matter how awkward it may be. Have no regrets and no expectations. Just love and know you are enough. God made you perfect for what He has in store for you.

I hope and pray that each of you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Remember to be the light for yourself and all those around you. Pray for the moms, dads, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and coworkers that has lost someone to suicide. it’s a hard path to continue on with so many questions. Love and encourage them!!

Thank you! May God bless you and yours in 2022!!

Sometimes we need to step back from everything and reflect on our lives. As I’m sitting here at Strawberry Patch Park’s Children’s Memorial Garden, I felt I needed to do just that.

This garden is a work in progress. The City of Madison was gracious enough to share a piece of the park with us. In doing so, we will be able to come have a peaceful place to sit and remember our sorrows of losing a child, as well as remembering the hope we have that our kids will never be forgotten. It always does a mom’s heart good to know that people coming to the garden will see a child’s names on a brick surrounding the fountain and will forever be spoken out loud and silently.

As I speak all the names, I remember that our kids met Jesus in so many different ways. Car/motorcycle wreck, suicide, drowning, overdose, hit and run, medical issue, and others. No matter how they were taken, our hearts hurt the same. The hole that was left in our hearts will never be filled with anything else. The hurt is real, deep, and unbearable at times no matter how long it has been.

We also need to remember all the others affected by the death of a loved one or dear friend. Their hurt and pain are just as real and the confusion of why is really hard to tackle and comprehend. Many times, we search for answers to help us to understand. But most of the time, there just aren’t any until we see them again in Heaven. And by then, we won’t wonder why. We will just want to love and hug on them, rejoicing being reunited again.

Our Too Soon group met out here last week. It was a great meeting. We are reading Get Out of Your Head by Jennie Allen. It’s all about getting our negative thoughts out of our heads. It reminds us that those thoughts are from Satan, and believing them gives him the power, not God. It has helped me reflect on all the lies I believed about myself and how to overcome them. I would recommend it to anyone and everyone.

Depression, mental illness, and anxiety are real factors in the lives of ourselves and others. I’ve said over and over again that we just need to be kind to anyone around us. That smile you give them may just be the one thing that keeps the darkness away one more day. Smile throughout the day. Take a walk. Enjoy the day anyway you can. Show compassion to yourself and others around you. Both are needed.

Everyone wears a mask, hiding something in their lives. For us to take it off, we have to trust a person enough to know that there will be no judgement, just lots of love and care shown. Then and only then will we take our mask off. When the mask is taken off, vulnerability sets in. Afterwards, doubt starts rising. We start asking ourselves, should I have said that or shown that? That is where trust comes in.

Trust is defined by Webster Marian Dictionary as “a: Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something” and “b: One in which confidence is placed”. (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trust). Im not sure how many people truly has someone like that in their lives. I try to be that person for the ones that let me in. I’m also very blessed to say that I have that with close friends and family members.

We all need to have real genuine talks with each other. Spend time thinking of ways you can be that person people can depend on and be that person for each other. Pray for God to give you clarity and peace on how to be that person.

It’s really ok to not be ok as long as you speak it and ask for help from a friend, counselor, doctor, or therapist. Please don’t ever forget that…YOU MATTER AND ARE SO VERY LOVED!!!!

Thanks for reading!!

Friday, July 30th, 2021 will be the 3 year mark that I answered my phone to dreadful news about my oldest son, Chase. This is the day he was found in his closet standing/leaning into a belt around his neck that took his last breath from him. No one caused him to do it except for his mind telling him that this was the best way to find the peace and light he was so desperately searching for.

July 30th is the day he was found, but no one knows when he actually walked into that closet and made the decision that would completely change his and so many people’s lives. It could have been up to three days that he was there. Friends called, but no luck. I even called him that Saturday, July 28th. I just thought he was out having fun and that he would call me back later. I went on with my weekend just like everyone else.

No one really knew how bad his depression was and how close he really was to taking his life or he would not have been left alone. He had so many friends in Mobile that loved him to his core. He had best friends from high school and Alabama that would have driven down to be with him. And, he had his family – brothers, parents, cousins, and aunts/uncles that were only a phone call away. All he had to do was pick up the phone and call. Any one of us would have been there for him. But, he chose not to and we can’t go back and change what has happened.

I sincerely believe that it was his mind that took his life. His smart mind finally took him down into a darkness he finally got lost in, tired of fighting to see the light for one more day. Everyone looked up to Chase because not only was he smart, he was handsome, funny, and kind. His kindness and genuineness is what I heard about the most from all the letters and talks from family and friends. My incredible son. Boy, do I miss him.

Since that day I got the call, nothing has ever or will ever be the same, and time doesn’t make it easier. I get up and go to sleep everyday with an ache and hole in my heart. The hole will never be filled until I see his smiling face with my very own eyes in Heaven. The neighbors that helped his friend break in and find him told me that he actually had a smile on his face. I’m thinking that he finally found found peace by seeing God. Who wouldn’t smile? My beliefs are strong. I watched Chase accept Christ at a young age and can remember it so vividly. I know, without a doubt, he is in Heaven.

I had a little 12 year old girl, after telling her that my oldest had taken his life, tell me, with big tears in her eyes, that she was so sorry. I asked her why. She told me that anyone that takes their life will immediately go to Hell. I had to look at that sweet girl and tell her I always heard that too. But, I only heard it from people. It’s not in the Bible anywhere. I told her to go home and find the verse and share it with me. The next time I was at that school, she walked up to me and told me she couldn’t find it. That’s when God gave me the chance to tell her to not just listen, but do her own research. I told her to find the real truth in the Bible. God gave me that moment to share truths in the Bible with that young lady. I call it a God wink now.

I know that it sounds crazy but God had already given Chase a death date before he was ever even born. The Bible tells us, “Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭139:13-16‬ ‭MSG‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/97/psa.139.13-16.MSG

I want to end this by saying we don’t know anyone’s struggles unless they are willing to share their truth. Keep that in mind as you are talking to friends and family. Do your best to really listen to them and tell them that it is okay to not be okay. Allow people to take their masks off. You know we all wear them. It’s nice to not always have to wear them. Be that trusted person they can rely on.

And lastly, just find it in your heart to be kind and genuine to all that are around you. Respect and learn from people that aren’t like you. Try to change your thoughts from what is wrong with that person to I wonder what happened in his or her life to make them react or disagree with something different than you would have. We need to dig deep and try to understand the people around us without judgement or a preconceived verdict. It boils down to LOVE unconditionally all people.

Thanks for your continued prayers for my family and me. We appreciate and feel them. Thanks also for reading my thoughts and walking through these last 3 years with us. Always remember that we all will fall. What matters is what we do with it once we pull ourself up and move on. Love you all and so wish I could give each of you a big Mel hug.

When you see a rainbow (I now call them Chasebows), know Chase is smiling down from heaven giving you a glimpse of his peace he now has!! 🌈

This was waiting for me when I got home. Gave me chill bumps. Thanks, Chase!!!

Another Thanksgiving and Christmas without my Chase. Another year gone by without his voice, hug, smile, friendship, wisdom, and love. Oh how I miss him. I’m alone and sad. I feel darkness around me. No matter what I’m doing, the sadness is still there.

With all of the love I have around me from my family and friends, I still feel this shadow. It follows me around. I see the sun shining through most days because I allow it. Other days, it’s just another day to make it through. No matter what I do, there is a cloud/shadow that follows me. When I’m busy, the cloud lets the sun in. But when I’m not, the cloud takes over.

I know my loved ones are going through the same struggle as me. My boys are still and probably always will ask why. Why did their older brother have such a struggle and hide it so well? My siblings, nephews, nieces, friends, and his coworkers are all asking the same thing. Why didn’t I know? How could I not? What did I miss? Why didn’t he trust me enough to share his struggles with me?

These questions will never be answered because he’s not here to answer them. I just know, without a shadow of a doubt, his decision to take his own life was not done with his right mind. He actually told a friend he had a blessed life, with a great job, family that loves him, and friends that adored him. What more could you ask for? His darkness came from deep inside. He never thought he was handsome enough, good enough, smart enough, or just to be happy with himself. He was always reaching higher, although his family and friends were in awe of him. He never thought he was good enough.

I went to Strawberry Patch Park, in Madison, Ms last night. Part of the park has been given to the “Too Soon” group. This group is made up of parents who lost a child or children. One day, when our dreams will become a reality, it will be a place to remember our kiddos. It will have a working fountain, and around the fountain, there will be stones that are purchased to have our kids names on it. Lots of hard work has been done so far in it. We have planted trees and flowers, have an entrance and arbor, and are working on the fountain and stones. It’s a beautiful place to visit. If you want more information about it, please let me know.

Last year, we put a Christmas tree up and hung ornaments for our children in the garden. This year, we did it again. I will say, I haven’t been involved as I usually am through the fall. Last night, I decided to stop by. I walked up to the tree, and the first one I noticed was Chase’s ornament I bought him from last year. Although It looks like a lot of others, it’s the one that was shining out of at least 90. I just had to hold it and be mesmerized by God’s love and grace that brought me straight to his ornament. What a peaceful an angelic moment I had.

People look to me for guidance. The only guidance I can give them is let people around you know You care. To know that you will listen and not throw condemnation their way. We have all sinned and still do daily. It’s just nice to hear that someone is there to listen to their strengths and weaknesses. You may not agree with his/her path or not like the decisions that person is making. Through it all, you should always be there to hold him/her up when needed, hold that person’s hand, and give a big bear hug to get them through it. t’s so hard to walk this path, but with my God’s guidance, I can do it. I know I can be the voice of calmness when someone needs me.

So my advice from a mom that feels that although she did and is still doing everything possible to make her kids feel loved and cherished and still lost one to the battle of suicide, just love!! A smile or a nice easy conversation in line goes a long way. You don’t know what a person is going through, so a smile or a sign of kindness to that stranger could be all they need for that moment.

Thank you for reading. I wish all of you a better 2021. Love you all!! Please continue to pray for my boys and me, as well as the rest of the family. #chasingawareness #yourlifematters #icare