Another Thanksgiving and Christmas without my Chase. Another year gone by without his voice, hug, smile, friendship, wisdom, and love. Oh how I miss him. I’m alone and sad. I feel darkness around me. No matter what I’m doing, the sadness is still there.

With all of the love I have around me from my family and friends, I still feel this shadow. It follows me around. I see the sun shining through most days because I allow it. Other days, it’s just another day to make it through. No matter what I do, there is a cloud/shadow that follows me. When I’m busy, the cloud lets the sun in. But when I’m not, the cloud takes over.

I know my loved ones are going through the same struggle as me. My boys are still and probably always will ask why. Why did their older brother have such a struggle and hide it so well? My siblings, nephews, nieces, friends, and his coworkers are all asking the same thing. Why didn’t I know? How could I not? What did I miss? Why didn’t he trust me enough to share his struggles with me?

These questions will never be answered because he’s not here to answer them. I just know, without a shadow of a doubt, his decision to take his own life was not done with his right mind. He actually told a friend he had a blessed life, with a great job, family that loves him, and friends that adored him. What more could you ask for? His darkness came from deep inside. He never thought he was handsome enough, good enough, smart enough, or just to be happy with himself. He was always reaching higher, although his family and friends were in awe of him. He never thought he was good enough.

I went to Strawberry Patch Park, in Madison, Ms last night. Part of the park has been given to the “Too Soon” group. This group is made up of parents who lost a child or children. One day, when our dreams will become a reality, it will be a place to remember our kiddos. It will have a working fountain, and around the fountain, there will be stones that are purchased to have our kids names on it. Lots of hard work has been done so far in it. We have planted trees and flowers, have an entrance and arbor, and are working on the fountain and stones. It’s a beautiful place to visit. If you want more information about it, please let me know.

Last year, we put a Christmas tree up and hung ornaments for our children in the garden. This year, we did it again. I will say, I haven’t been involved as I usually am through the fall. Last night, I decided to stop by. I walked up to the tree, and the first one I noticed was Chase’s ornament I bought him from last year. Although It looks like a lot of others, it’s the one that was shining out of at least 90. I just had to hold it and be mesmerized by God’s love and grace that brought me straight to his ornament. What a peaceful an angelic moment I had.

People look to me for guidance. The only guidance I can give them is let people around you know You care. To know that you will listen and not throw condemnation their way. We have all sinned and still do daily. It’s just nice to hear that someone is there to listen to their strengths and weaknesses. You may not agree with his/her path or not like the decisions that person is making. Through it all, you should always be there to hold him/her up when needed, hold that person’s hand, and give a big bear hug to get them through it. t’s so hard to walk this path, but with my God’s guidance, I can do it. I know I can be the voice of calmness when someone needs me.

So my advice from a mom that feels that although she did and is still doing everything possible to make her kids feel loved and cherished and still lost one to the battle of suicide, just love!! A smile or a nice easy conversation in line goes a long way. You don’t know what a person is going through, so a smile or a sign of kindness to that stranger could be all they need for that moment.

Thank you for reading. I wish all of you a better 2021. Love you all!! Please continue to pray for my boys and me, as well as the rest of the family. #chasingawareness #yourlifematters #icare

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I know most of you know about my son (the reason this bog even exist) and knows that I have become an advocate on trying to save lives from this thing we call mental illness. Below is a short glimpse into who Chase was and still is in all of our hearts.

Chase was a very well-rounded guy who had the world at his fingertips. After high school, he went to the University of Alabama on a full scholarship. He became involved with a fraternity the fall of his freshman year and loved every minute of it. He made lots of great friends that kept up with each other even to this day. He graduated with a 3.96 in Chemical Engineering in 4 years and got a job quickly for a steel company close to Mobile in 2015 (AM/NS).

He made lots of friends in the 3 years he was in Mobile. He was very involved with the community. He became a member of the MOT Mardis Gras society as well as a captain on a kickball team he helped organize. His smile was contagious, and he loved and cared deeply for all the ones around him.

But he was wrestling with mental illness. He allowed very few people to know his struggles. I heard of his depression 2 weeks before his death. He shared with me that he was prescribed medicine, seeing a doctor, and was seeking to find a therapist. I had no idea that I should ask him the seriousness of it all. I called to check on him but never asked the hard questions. I just didn’t know that I needed to actually ask him if he had ever thought of taking his life, and if so, did he have a plan. The idea of asking those questions are hard. The thought that I may be putting it into someone’s mind if I ask scared me. But, after these last 2 years of studying, reading, and trying to understand, I know now that suicide is a word that was already there in Chase’s mind. Me asking wouldn’t have all of a sudden make him start thinking about it.

He left behind 2 little brothers, Drew and Rob, that looked up to him so much, along with many friends and family that felt the same way about him. Hearts are broken and we all miss him to the extreme.

His precious friends from Alabama gathered together and organized a “Chasing Awareness” event in October of 2018. They wanted to share with the world that mental illness is real and needs to be discussed. They got Sponsors to help with this event. They also set up a Cornhole tournament. It was held at Avondale Brewery. They received prizes and gifts to give away using raffle tickets bought that day. T-shirts were sold as well. The first event raised over $28,000 and last year it was around $17,500.

We are not able to do one this year due to Covid, but we still want to raise money for it. This year’s t-shirt is designed to help bring conversations about suicide prevention, which is something we need to start or continue talking about openly and honestly.

At the top is a link if you would like to order a t-shirt. Your order will be mailed to you. All proceeds will go straight to the American Foundation for Suicide in Chase’s name. If you just want to donate money and not get a t-shirt, there is a link for that as well.

Please don’t feel obligated to get a t-shirt or donate.  I just wanted to let you all know about it.  The deadline for the t-shirts order is November 1st.

I do want you to know that God is showing me the ways that He is using Chase’s death for the good. Don’t get me wrong. I would love to have Chase here with us on this earth. I know many that feel this way. But I can’t change what has happened. The only hope I can have now is that his death was not in vain, and others can be saved.

A friend sent me a post that a lady wrote about losing her 23 year old son to suicide October 16th. My heart totally broke again. Her son has a lot of resemblance of Chase. It just reminded me to speak more about mental illness so that they will understand that they matter. Suicide is a permanent choice for a temporary problem. I understand that when people start getting in that dark place, it’s hard to pull themselves out of it, but it can be done!! ❤️❤️ prayers going up to this family who is missing their son, brother, and friend.

Thanks for listening and showing your support however you can!! I appreciate you all.

Although I believe it happened days before, July 30th is the day I got the worst phone call ever. I was alone in a store when I answered the call. The officer told me that my son, Chase, was found deceased in his closet. He had hung himself with a belt on a hook. Everything went to a blur and I just crawled up in a space in the store. I was on my hands and knees trying to grasp what the officer had just told me.

I was in such disbelief. Not my son. No way would he do this. But the phone call was real. It was true. How do I move or think or tell my other boys and their dad, plus the rest of my family? The pain came from so far within me. I wailed like any mother would for their child. Our lives have forever been changed from that moment forward. This day will always be marked in our hearts and our lives of the day we found out we lost our precious Chase. Many tears will fall.

I’m saying all of this to remind you that depression is real. The pain that someone maybe going through is sometimes so unbearable that they only see one way out, suicide. He told the few that knew he was that depressed, he would never harm himself because he wouldn’t want me to go through that kind of pain. But something happened in his mind that night or early the next day that caused him to feel that it was the only way to take the suffering and pain he was dealing with away. It’s called mental illness.

He had told me two weeks before he was dealing with depression. He then backed it up with telling me he had seen a doctor and was prescribed medicine. He was also looking for a therapist to go talk to about his depression. I never, one time, thought about asking if he was suicidal. It never crossed my mind. He showed no symptoms of depression around us two weeks before when we had spent the weekend with us. He was fun, loving, kind, and seemed so happy to be there with all of us. I checked on him a couple of times after that and he seemed ok. None of us knew that would be the last time we would see him alive.

I will always question what I could have done to help prevent it. But as soon as those questions pop into my mind, I have to dismiss them. I’ll never know or understand. If I stay there asking, it will not help me in anyway. To tell you the truth, my relationship with God has been rocky. It has been filled with anger towards Him. Why Chase? Then I find myself remembering that God never promised us an easy life. He just gives us hope of where we will be in the end as long as we trust him. I have to remind myself that God is faithful and that there is a purpose in all of this, although we are hurting. I know Chase is in Heaven now whole with no more unbearable pain.

I don’t know how to change this suicide epidemic we are seeing around us. I hear more and more of it happening in our young adult children. My only advice is to start having serious talks with your kids, your family, and your friends. We won’t know how people are feeling until we truly stop and listen. We need to have an understanding heart and not judge them if they do decide to open up. Love on all around you, showing a little sunshine on maybe a very cloudy dark day for them. You never know what your smile (even masked) can do for someone at that very moment.

I miss you like crazy, Chase. We all do. The impact you have had on so many are still happening. People have shared so much with me of how their lives have changed because of your story and legacy you left behind. You still amaze me. I will always be so extremely proud of you and so thankful God allowed me to be your mom for over 25 years on this earth. Keep shining down on us and remind us to always be a friend to everyone we meet. Love you all the way to heaven and back.

Thank you to all who have already reached out with a card, gift, text, or phone call. We appreciate them more than you will ever know. I always love to hear how a life has changed or been saved because of Chase. It shows me that his death has not been in vain. Love to all of you.

Happy birthday today to my eldest son. You started this mom, or should I say Mother journey 27 years ago. I so miss your precious smile and your sweet hugs the most. You would be so proud of us and the goals we are striving to reach. I can hear you now asking us what we need from you to make it happen. You were so generous, not with just your money. It was more than that. It was your encouragement to be the best version that we could be. We are striving to make it happen.
I won’t lie. Today was hard. I just don’t think it will ever get easy. Why should it? We lost a very vital person in our lives – you!! I spent the morning crying just because I am not able to pick up the phone to wish you a happy birthday. I just wanted to hear your voice. I played a couple of videos with your voice on it. It made me smile in the midst of my tears. I would start working and then get a message from one of your high school friends or Birmingham friends. It would bring me to the realization that so many of us are missing and hurting because you are no longer on this earth with us. You were and always will be a true blessing in our lives. You left a mark on so many. We want to be better from inside out because of you!!!

We have a new puppy. She’s a little Pomeranian. Her name is Minnie. She’s so little. You would just eat her up. I got her this week in memory of you. I know how you love the “puppers”. So we played a lot. Her brother came over to see her. His name is Major. It was a bright light in the midst of the gloomy day. The boys were here as well. It’s always great when I have my boys home. They miss you so much.

I just want to say that no matter the skin color, I love you. I pray that all my students I have ever taught knows this to be true. You love with your heart, not your eyes. There is so much good in this world. The saddest thing is that the ones that are haters are the ones messing it up for the ones that just want to love. Time is short. Please spread the LOVE to all. Look beyond the color. With all the hate going on, I just want to scream STOP! Look at that person from the inside out, not the outside in. It’s so silly to be fighting when innocent people are getting hurt. The real judge is our God Almighty. Not us!!
Chase, you always treated everyone with love. I hope I instilled that in you and your brothers!
Happy birthday my son. I love you to Heaven and back. Miss you Every Single Day!!!

Chase took his life because he didn’t think he could ease the pain any other way. If you are feeling this way or if you know someone feeling this way, please seek help. Remember that taking your life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There is a brighter day coming up. Just hold on!!! You can do it because YOU MATTER!! Don’t forget that. If you do, let me know. I’ll remind you. Love you all!

A person usually doesn’t hear about the impact one may have made or are still making in someone’s life. But when you have a death of a loved one, sometimes we realize how much he or she did. My niece and nephew have written their stories about Chase, before and after his death. Please read below.

We will begin with Jenna’s story.

Growing up, I had four brothers Austin, Chase, Drew, and Rob. One had the same parents as me and the other three parents were my aunt and uncle. I never viewed them as cousins since we spent every summer, holidays, and major events together, alternating between Jackson and Birmingham. We fought like siblings, played like siblings, and most of all loved like siblings. 

Losing Chase was like losing a brother. Monday July 30th, 2018 was one of the worst days of my life. Hearing those dreadful words over the phone from my broken mother standing in the middle of the Pizitz Food Hall was something I can never forget nor ever imagined. At that moment, all I could think was that it was not true. Someone got the information wrong, Chase would not do that. Why would he? In my eyes, Chase was perfect. He was successful, had a really good job, bought a house, and had a lot of friends. That day and the days following, I felt so many emotions. I was angry, sad, hurt, and confused. I did not know what to feel or how to respond. It was the worst loss of my life and the pain is still very much real today. 

Although Chase is no longer on this Earth, he is still with us and always will be. Chase’s life has forever changed mine and those around me. As I look back over the past two years since Chase’s death, I am reminded of the impact he has made. Without Chase, his friends from Alabama would have never put on an event raising awareness for suicide and change the future for others battling with depression. Without Chase, my best friend would have never met her fiance. Without Chase, we would have never experienced Mardi Gras and get to know his wonderful friends. I am sure everyone has their own “without Chase” story and how their life has been forever impacted since July 30th, 2018.

Austin’s story

I was incredibly lucky growing up. Not only did I have an incredible mom, dad, and sister of my own, I was fortunate enough to be a part of my Aunt Mel’s family as well. On any given holiday, spring break, or summer vacation from as far back as I can remember, Chase, Drew, Rob, Jenna, and I were together. My parents would treat the Lanke boys like their own sons, and Mel and Bobby would treat Jenna and I like we were their own children as well. I was and still am very close to all three of the Lanke boys, but Chase and I had a special relationship mostly because we were so similar. We were both bookworms, and we loved to discuss our favorites of the books we had read since we had last seen each other. I even remember attending a midnight release party at Barnes and Noble for the fifth Harry Potter book with Chase in Mississippi. After returning home with our fresh copies of the book long after midnight, I read a couple chapters and went to sleep. Chase, on the other hand, read the entire 870 page book from cover to cover without sleeping, through the night and well into the next day.

Chase and I also shared a passion for music. When I was in early high school, we took one of our numerous Huerkamp/Lanke trips to the beach. Back then, the music I listened to was either on the radio, on a CD, or I had bought the song on Itunes for $1 a pop. Fair to say, my musical tastes were pretty limited. On this particular trip to the beach, Chase asked me if I knew what torrenting was. I, like a good boy, said no. Chase then took out his laptop and showed me how to pirate music from the internet. Every song and album ever made was at my fingertips, and it was all free (As a disclaimer, I now understand that pirating music is illegal, so please don’t do it). From then on, we’d often share and discuss new songs or bands that we had found and I have always credited Chase for helping to spark my love of music.

I’m sure its no surprise that Chase was my role model. I’m the oldest between my sister and I, but Chase was a year and a half older than me and we were so close that he was, for all intents and purposes, my older brother. After graduating high school (top of his class, of course), Chase attended the University of Alabama to study chemical engineering on a full scholarship and joined a fraternity. A year or two later, it was my turn to tour colleges. Growing up, my entire extended family were Alabama fans so the pressure was on for me to attend there as well. Coincidentally, I also knew that I wanted to study chemical engineering and join a fraternity, so all signs were pointing to me joining Chase at Alabama. I was also considering attending Auburn, and after touring both schools and a lengthy deliberation, I ultimately decided to attend Auburn. A couple of years later, Chase graduated and started a job at a steel mill outside of Mobile, Alabama. Not long after, it was my turn to interview around and decide where I was going to live and work after college. By this time, Chase was still living in Mobile and had found an amazing and tight group of friends. At that time, I was very interested in working at AM/NS with Chase, and I was lucky enough to get an interview with the company. Chase was thrilled and gave me a myriad of advice and even led part of our tour of the plant during my interview. Chase’s advice paid off, because a few weeks (after my interview) I got a job offer. I had also received a job offer from a company in Atlanta, and after an extremely difficult decision, I decided to accept the job in Atlanta, so I never got to join Chase in Mobile.

Chase passed away in July of 2018. I’ll never forget the feeling of utter shock and disbelief I had when I got the news. It came as a complete shock to me. How could he do this? He had a great job, even better friends, and he had just bought a house. I had no earthly idea that Chase was suffering the way that he was. In the wake of Chase’s passing, I would often wonder what may have happened had I attended Alabama with Chase or had I accepted the job with AM/NS and moved to Mobile after graduation. Maybe I would have been able to see the signs that he was suffering. Maybe I could have done something to help him. Maybe I could have saved his life. Truth is, I’ll never know what might have happened had I been there. What I do know is that Chase was able to hide his suffering from almost everyone he knew and I’m certain that he would have been able to hide it from me as well if he wanted to. If I’ve learned anything fromthis experience, it’s that you can’t change the past. As much as I wish I had spent more time with him while he was here, I have no regrets about the decisions I made, as they helped shape me into the man I am today. Chase was so incredibly smart, funny, and kind, and he was the best cousin, friend, and role model I could ever ask for. He impacted everyone he knew in a positive way, and I’ll be the first to say that I’m so incredibly grateful that I got the chance to know Chase Lanke.

I think the thing that hurts the most is that I’ll never get to grow old with Chase. It breaks my heart that he’ll never get to meet my children and I’ll never get to meet his. I had always imagined our kids growing up together the same way that we did. Back in December, I turned 25 years old. Chase had just turned 25 when he died, so as of now I am older than Chase will ever be, which is certainly a strange thought. My whole life he was one step ahead, helping to pavethe way for me. The fact that Chase had done it first and done it well was a great comfort to me whenever I felt anxious about major life events like starting college or my first job out of college. I used to think “If Chase can do it, so can I”. Now, I’m the oldest of the Lanke/Huerkampchildren and it’s my turn to pave the way. But I’m not scared, or apprehensive, or nervous. If Chase could be the trailblazer, then so can I. And even if he’s not here physically, he lives on in the hearts and minds of those that knew and loved him. I love and miss you, Chase Lanke, and I always will.

I so appreciate their willingness to write from their heart and share their story. Love y’all so much.

I have been listening to a book called “Understanding Your Grief”. It has been a great listen, and I will definitely go back and listen to parts that I thought were right on track with my feelings. The one thing he has said over and over again is to find friends that will listen and walk beside you during your time of grief.

I don’t know if my grief will ever be over. I lost my son at the age of 25 to that terrible word suicide. Who would have thought that my eldest would have ever done such a thing. I sit back right now still wondering. It has been a little over 19 months and I think to myself my child commited suicide. The one that had everything at the tip of his fingers. He had one of the best hearts. He loved no matter what. He always made everyone feel the love. He had a smile that would make anybody’s dreary day better. He was so smart. He graduated from Alabama in Chemical Engineering and had a job waiting on him. He started off his career at AM/NS working for a Steel Company. He was so proud to be following in his Grandy’s footstep in the industry. He made lots of friends while in Mobile. Just bought a house in May of 2018. He didn’t want us to visit until he had everything ready. Sad thing is that the first time any of his family actually went in to see it was after his suicide. That continues to break my heart.

But the struggle he went through everyday was real. I don’t even know when it really started. I have heard from friends that he talked about it beginning when he went off to college. I had no idea. He finally told me 2 weeks before he took his life that he was depressed. I had no idea how bad it really was. He wore a mask that he kept on when he was around people. I have proof. All the letters that I received from friends in Mobile told me so. They told me how they adored Chase. How great he was to everyone. How he made everyone feel special and important. He did that to all of us. I used to send him mathematical equations that I couldn’t figure out. He would send it back to me so quickly. It was in detail. I told him I had to see every step he took to get the solution, so he would write it down and send a picture. But he never ever made me feel dumb in asking him how to solve it. He was so awesome and boy do I miss him.

The book I mentioned earlier keeps telling me to find friends that will let you continue talking about Chase with no rush or time restraints. It tells me to find friends that will walk beside me. Not ones that will walk in front telling me where I should be, or ones behind just taking it in like its no biggy. But ones that will walk alongside me, listening and encouraging me in my walk. And I am so humbled and blessed to have these people in my life. The book talks about deciphering through your friends and only hang out with the ones I mentioned above. I didn’t have to decipher, because I am so blessed to have the best family and friends to help me through this journey that will continue on through the rest of my life. I can’t be blessed enough. I am so thankful for each of you for always being there for me.

I am on this journey to try to help others that are suffering. Because of my blogs and close friends, I have been able to talk to some struggling. One that I have recently been in contact with graduated with Chase. She really did not know him well, but said he was always nice and smiling. Perception is reality in so many of our kids lives and until we really talk to them, we may miss the picture of what they really thought of their childhood. Chase was starting his senior year when his daddy and I got a divorced. And it doesn’t matter how much we think we did right, it is what perception the kids have on it that really matters. I didn’t realize that until a couple of years ago when Dr. Phil mentioned it (more than once) about that statement.

I wish I would have asked more questions to my kids on so many things. And I wish they would tell me the truth in their perception. That is the only way we can grow and get stronger. I also need to lean on God/Jesus to help lead our way with our children. We are so not perfect. We make mistakes all the time. We just need to be vulnerable to them and show our kids that we are so not perfect. We are also trying to figure it all out just like they are.

God bless each of you during this time of the Covid-19 epidemic. I pray you all stay well. Pray for each other. Help and be friends with the ones around you. Appreciate all you you are blessed with, and love on your loved ones. Tell them you love them every day.

Love you guys. Thanks for listenting.

We all have moments that we remember. There are moments we think we will never forget and there are moments that brings us back to memories we haven’t thought of in a while. Some brings a smile to our face and others bring tears to our eyes. Something happens and all of a sudden it brings us back to that very moment in time.

Good memories will come and go, but moments that bring us back to that second is something we should cherish even more. Well the good ones anyway. Remembering particulars of our childhood days, our first love, graduating, getting married, having children either through childbirth or adoption are all great moments that remind us of good times, or funny times that we shared. I love seeing someone that I hadn’t seen in a while and they say “remember that time?”

I have had a few of those lately. My sister and I along with Jenna, Drew, and Darsie went to Mobile for the grand Mardi Gras Weekend. It is always bittersweet to go down for it. Cindy and I were invited by Chase to come be his guests at his Mardi Gras (MOT) Ball 2 years ago. We were beyond thrilled to go and see his life in full in Mobile. We spent just as much time with his friends as we did Chase. That was when I really saw what a great life he had made for himself down there. He grabbed ahold of some great friends that consider my family and me their family. I stopped at one moment and looked around the room. We were surrounded with most everyone that we had met with Chase. I thought Chase would be so very happy to see us down here with all of his friends enjoying ourselves. Drew even spent the weekend at Will’s house. They opened their house to them and have opened it up to Cindy and me over and over again. I didn’t shed a tear, which I was pretty shocked. I just relished on being able to come down and be a part of something Chase loved so much with his Mobilians. Sweet precious moments. Moments that I will certainly cherish.

I also am reminded that Chase is not forgotten in so many lives. Moments he made with his friends from high school, college, work, and Mobile that they continue sharing with me. I had a friend of Chase’s that reached out to me before we went to Mobile for Mardi Gras. She reached out on FB messenger and started sending me a few pics of him, them, and others. It brought tears to my eyes. I hadn’t really gotten to know her very well, so it was wonderful for her to share some stories and pics with me. Moments she had with him that she adored. That does a momma’s heart good to hear memories that were shared with my son and are not forgotten.

But then there are moments that just stop you in your place and almost make your knees buckle. We had a bad storm here not too long ago and part of my fence got blown down. I had great friends come over to help put it up. Before that, I had gotten my grass cut. When I looked at one of my lounge chairs, I noticed something sitting on top of it. It made me cry. No one knew the significance of what a small broken table over in my backyard by the fence meant to me. It had been there since one of my boys found out about Chase. He threw this little table across the yard to get some of his frustration/anger out. I never wanted to pick it up and throw it away because it has been a constant reminder of how Chase’s death was not only affecting me, but my boys as well. So, after a day, I went back and put it over there. That moment will always be etched in my mind.

Here are some other moments that bring tears of sadness to my eyes…Remembering that dreadful phone call in Eye Mart Express telling me my son was deceased due to hanging, having to get Bobby, Drew, and Rob to my house so I can tell them in person, the phone calls I had to make to my sisters, brothers, and close friends., the planning of the funeral and grave site, etc. So many different dreadful moments that I had to make it through. I did thanks to my precious family and incredible friends. They took over and helped me with everything. The memories are terrible, but the coming together of all of my friends all over giving us love and support made the times a little brighter.

Some people tell me that joy will come more with time and overshadow the sadness when I have those Chase moments. And I do have those times of joy when I remember moments in Chase’s life that stands out. He was a funny kid. He was a bright spot and always always wanted to find the best in people. He LOVED following the rules to a T, which was so not me. He loved him some Buster, which was our family dog. (Buster really thought he was just Chase’s dog. LOL) He always strived to be the best version of himself with being a son, friend, student, and employer. He was a special young man. There is no doubt about that. That is some great memories all mixed in there.

But my sadness will never go away. It will look different and be hidden as time goes on. People will stop bringing him up, which is very understandable. But the ones closest to him will always have that sadness behind their eyes. Chase’s life was taken away from us way too soon and that will never change. The only hope I see in this is that I know he is up in Heaven telling me that he is OK. But I just miss him so very much…

Words straight from the mouth of a dear friend. Such a very true statement. And she knows what rainbows mean to me, so I had to share. “Moments can change our lives. it’s up to us to make it through the moments and know a storm ALWAYS passes and it’s a bonus when there is a rainbow at the end. 🌈 “ Thanks for sharing Lynn.

If you have a memory of or moment with Chase or any of my family that stands out, please share. If you are reading this and don’t know us, think about a good moment you can share with someone. You never know. That might just be what someone needed to hear to brighten their day.

Thanks for reading!!!!

That’s the new question in my mind. What am I actually going through at this time in my life? Do I feel depressed? Absolutely!! Am I sad! 100%! Am I grieving? Without a doubt!!! So how do I handle all of these emotions?

I went to my “female” doctor in November. We decided to get me off any extra medicine I was on. I wanted to feel my feelings and not have medicine to mask it. So that’s what I did.

I started having a feeling that I needed to see someone that really didn’t know me or my situation at all. I just needed to hear that I was doing ok. So I searched. I went to my insurance people and asked if it was covered. Went back and started doing research on who would or should I see. I called a few and decided that it didn’t feel right. So, I reached out to someone that I totally trusted. He gave me a name immediately. I called and we made an appointment.

The first visit was pretty easy. He just let me talk. I told him all about Chase I told him how he was well loved by his brothers, cousins, and many more. I told him all about finding out the news. The horrible news. He just let me talk.

Last week, when I went back, he gave me a couple of questionnaires to fill out. If you know me, I just wanted to talk. But I couldn’t. I had to really answer these hard questions in truth. Not what I thought I should say, but how I was really feeling. That’s 2 different things.

When I handed it back to him, he said that my score showed that I was moderately depressed. We chatted about that. I asked him if he thought that was true or if I was just really grieving. We concurred that I was full of grief which brings on depression and sadness.

I’m not really sure the difference between the three of them really are. I know I totally grieve over the idea that Chase took his life and is no longer walking on this Earth with us. It hits me at a seconds notice like it did when I got that dreadful phone call. For instance, I lost it watching American Idol tonight when Louis Knight sang about a friend taking his life. I wailed.

I also know I’m depressed because it’s hard for me to really get excited to do things that naturally I would be excited about. I make myself do these things since Chase’s death date. I remind myself everyday of the blessings that I still have – my boys that are still with me here on this earth. I pray for them everyday. It’s hard in their life as well losing their big brother they had no idea was struggling so badly.

And of course I feel sadness. I’m sad every time I want to pick up the phone and call or text Chase to tell him something or ask him for his advice on something. He was our family brain. He was so smart, but never made us feel like we weren’t as smart as he was. We just knew better. lol

My whole reason to write this is to let you know that if you are struggling with something, it’s ok. You just have to work through it never giving up. You have to know there is hope at the end. For example, I told my therapist that I have been praying for a sign from Chase that he is ok. Yesterday I was in the car running an errand with a good friend when all of a sudden there was a small rainbow shining right in front of me. It lasted for maybe a minute. It gave me so much joy. I needed that. He just held my hand and we relished in the moment.

The rainbows came about during Chase’s visitation and continued throughout his burial the next day. They are random. I saw one on my way home from work around my birthday of 2018, his birthday and right before sunset of the first anniversary date he was found in his closet. And now, yesterday, after I asked for some sign. Thank you God for listening and answering just when I wasn’t expecting it.

Please know that you are important and that you have a purpose. You make a difference every day. Life would not be the same without you. And I’m always here for you, with good ears and a kind heart. I’ll love on you and give you a great big hug anytime!!!!

Thanks for reading!!! Let me know if you need me!

I have tried to write a blog since the first day of this new year but I keep losing my thoughts and words. I would start it and then put it down. This is actually my third one with a different title. It has really been a struggle to get into words all of my thoughts lately.

I have heard from moms who have lost children that the second year is even harder than the first. And I hate to say it, but I think it’s true. The reality hits everyday that Chase is no longer with us. I so want to hear his voice and his laugh. I want to hear him call me Mother and tell me he loves me. I wanted him to help me with the puzzle I, along with lots of others, worked on over the Holiday. I can guarantee you it would have been completed a lot quicker if he would have been here. Lol

I’ve been struggling a lot with my feelings on everything. The idea that I’m going to forget his voice, his laugh, his features, scares me so very much. I want to continue bragging on him and about him. I want his brothers to remember how proud he always was of them. I want the sadness that I feel inside to never go away. My life has forever been changed along with many others since that tragic call last July, and the sadness/pain I feel is the biggest reminder.

I’m very thankful that I have a great group of friends that want to hear stories about Chase. I am appreciative of how God has surrounded me with them. I’m grateful for coworkers that listen to me about Chase as well. I am a very very blessed woman with 2 incredible sons still here on this earth, along with a great support group of siblings, nieces, and nephews.

Strength is a word that people use to describe me. I am not sure I really agree with them. I just have handled Chase’s death the best I could. I am weak a lot of days. I work and come home. I don’t want to talk to people. I took some medicine for it for a while to help me with the pain, but my doctor and I decided to ween me off of it. I should feel all the emotions one goes through when losing a child. As long as I can get out of bed every day and face it, I don’t want to suppress my emotional side to what it looks like on a daily bases when losing someone you love so much.

Chase had this so called “perfect life” on the outside. He literally had the whole world in his hands, or so we thought. His inner struggle with mental depression was something he kept a secret to so many. That’s what saddens me so much. He struggled with this almost in silence. He told very few. His illness/darkness that he fought so hard finally took over. The only way he could find the light again was to take his own life. It’s heart wrenching to try to understand that deep darkness.

I will never ever say that I totally understand the struggle he was going through and trying to deal with. I just know now that I should have reached deeper and asked harder questions when he finally did tell me about his depression 2 weeks before he took his life. I know I can’t change the past, but can use my pain of losing him for something good.

I am praying hard that God shows me a way to use all of this pain and sadness I feel inside for something good that will help others struggling silently. I know God has never left my side and even holds me up when I stumble (which is a lot). I want to make Him and Chase proud of me. I want his death to not go in vain.

Thank you for random texts/cards/calls I get letting me know that you were thinking about me or that I was on your heart. They help brighten my day and let’s me know that Chase is still very well remembered. Love y’all.

Please continue to lift my family up in your prayers. The struggle is real, but with the prayers and support that each of you give, we will make it through until we can see Chase Aaron once again.

When you lose a loved one, especially a child, you pretty much are in a fog for a year or so. You are in shock and just moving with the motions. You have to make it through each of the firsts, like Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday, and the dreaded 1st anniversary of his/her death. You anticipate it coming up and wishing it wouldn’t. That year or so, you are just in a fog and so full of disbelief because you are having to face these events without your child with you.

That has been my life since I got the news about Chase. Year 2 started in August with me still in a fog. Thanksgiving was coming up and I wanted to face it as we almost always did. We would go to my sister’s house and spend Thanksgiving with all my sisters and brothers, along with their families that could be there. This year, it was only my family and Cindy’s family.

On my way to her house, I stopped by to see Chase. I decorated his plot with some Christmas decorations while listening to his music. That is one of my favorite things to do while I am there. I am fortunate that he is so close to the road that I can play the music from my car and hear it. When I finished decorating and looking at it, the fog lifted. Something slammed on my heart like a ton of bricks. I started bawling like I hadn’t done in a long time. I realized that this is my life now. He is never coming back to this Earth. I am forever without my eldest child. God is his Caretaker now. I can’t give him advice, hug him, laugh with him, listen to him and his wisdom, see him with his brothers, etc. My heart broke all over again.

And now grief has struck once again, but in a different way. My sadness is deeper inside than ever before. It is there and I can’t shake it, and I don’t think I want to. I want that part of me to be sad because Chase is no longer with me on this Earth. There is nothing I can do to get him back. Everyone thinks the second year will be better. Life will keep moving. And it does keep moving, but I still have to face it without one of my children facing it with me. The movement is always there, but the grief is now much deeper inside my heart.

Understanding now how much pain he was in and now how he’s been healed from his pain, it’s selfish of me to want him back on this Earth. He found the only way to stop his pain that he hid from everyone else. He wasn’t thinking that evening/early morning about anything but his deep pain he was dealing with, especially over his last month. The Chase we saw and enjoyed 2 weeks prior to his death was not the Chase he was when he was alone and facing his demons. He masked his way through those times when he was around people. We did not see it at all. None of us. That hurts even more that he didn’t let us in. He was so good at putting on the mask and disguising himself as the guy we all knew and loved.

My message is to anyone feeling like Chase did. Please take off the mask and let people in. Choose a few that can understand and not judge you. Choose the ones that can actually help you through the darkness until it has lifted. Find professional help. Chase was looking for someone but didn’t find that right Therapist for him. Don’t give up. There are so many out there. And remember, don’t make the decision to make a permanent solution to a temporary problem. All things do pass and the sun will start shining inside your life if you just hold on to that hope. And always look to God. He is walking beside you through this time in your life. He will hold on to you as long as you let him.

Now, the second message is if someone comes to you and opens up to you with thoughts of taking their life, please just be there to listen. As a friend of Chase’s told me when I asked her how to help someone that is in pain like Chase was, she asked back what I would do if a friend had cancer. I said I would go visit that person as much as I can. I would sit with her and let her talk, cry, or anything else she needed. I would cherish that time because she is letting me in on how she is truly feeling. There is really nothing I could say to make her feel better. I would just listen. Her advice back to me is to do the same.

The hardest part of finding someone is finding that person you can trust with your whole heart. Someone you know will hold you up when you are falling and not try to “fix” you with all kinds of advice. It needs to be someone you know that you can tell anything to and he/she won’t judge or look down on you. She/He will talk with you about it. They may give you advice but understands if you don’t take it. One that mostly listens and doesn’t go off and tell others. People like that are truly a gem in a midst of a thousand rocks. Be that person for them.

My last message is that I am here for anyone that needs somebody. I can be that person. I so want to help others that feel the way Chase did. I want to help others from making that permanent choice. My other boys feel this way as well. Again, I want you to understand that I haven’t spent a day in school to be a therapist. I don’t claim that I can save you. I just know that I have a good heart and generous ear. I will not condemn you for your thoughts. I love to hug big and make you understand that my love for you is real.

Lastly to all the moms that has lost a child, my heart is breaking with you. As we go through this together, let’s hold each other up and pray for peace for each other and the family surrounding that child. Let’s pray that we remember the wonderful memories we shared over the years with him/her. And let’s love on the ones we have still on this earth. Let’s give them extra squeezes of love.

If anyone has pictures that pop up of our heavenly child on your phone, please send them to us. It makes us moms feel so special and happy about a pic you sent. It reminds us that our child is not forgotten.

Love you all. Please share my blog so I can reach as many out there as possible. Thanks!