After the funeral was over, Chase’s company provided a lunch for all that wanted to come eat. All I really wanted to do was go and hug on everyone that came, but because of the time restraint, I couldn’t.

After lunch was over, we headed to Vance, Alabama. That’s where my parents and Bubba is. When my brother found out about Chase, he asked what he could do. I told him that I really wanted Chase to be buried as close as he could to Bubba. The only way this could happen was for Steve to give me one of his plots. So that’s exactly what he did. What a selfless thing he did for Chase and me.

On our way there, we noticed this beautiful rainbow. One showed up the night before during visitation as well. It gave me a feeling of being really close to Chase. This was exactly what I needed before I was about to face this last dreadful thing I had to do.

When we got to the graveside, I was blown away by how many people were there. Not only did lots drive from the funeral, but many others came that I went to high school and college with. I so wish I would have had everyone sign the book so I could remember everybody there.

I wanted someone to speak that new our family. So my sister hunted down our old pastor from Valleydale Baptist to speak. It was exactly what I wanted. Although it had been 20 years since we had seen him, he remembered us joining the church and dedicating Chase when he was little.

After the burial service, friends from Birmingham fed us. I was glad to be around people that love us so much. We needed to be surrounded by love, because it was so hard leaving my child at the burial site knowing that I will never see him again on this earth. That that’s his new home now – in the ground in Vance, Alabama.

I miss Chase so very much. I want to talk to him and hear his voice. I want to be able to send him math problems like I always did. I want a hug from him and hear him tell me that he loves me. But I can’t ever have these things again. My life is forever changed with a hole in my heart that will never be filled.

I can walk around with a smile on my face and act silly like I normally do, but behind that exterior is a sadness that is so deep, strong, and heart wrenching. It will never go away and will ALWAYS be there hidden in me.

Please continue to pray for us as we continue to travel this life without our precious Chase. He was such a great son, brother, nephew, cousin, friend, and coworker. He is greatly missed by all that knew him.

Also, be mindful of all that is around you. Smile and say hello to everyone. You never know what positive impact it could make on someone’s life. It seems so small, but could make such a difference. Plus, what can it hurt?

Until next time…

We came home to visitation with a houseful of family and friends waiting on us. It was good to come home to people that love us and want to be with us no matter what. We talked about old times and all the memories we shared together. It was a great way to pep us up and find a bright spot in an evening that was incredibly sad and life changing in our worlds. We didn’t want to think about the next day.

But, it still came. I woke up, well the few hours I slept, to a big pit in my stomach. Knowing that I have to bury my son today was something I didn’t want to face. I wanted to go back to sleep and pretend that it was all a bad dream. I wanted to wake up and it be July 14th, when we were all in Chattanooga together. But instead, I woke up with the reality of what I was about to do hitting me in the face. It was time to get ready to go say goodbye to my precious son.

We all started getting ready. My boys put on Chase’s other 2 suits that we brought back from Mobile. The suits fit them perfectly. It was like they were made just for them. We were all amazed. They looked so very handsome. Most of my other nephews wanted to wear something of Chases as well, so we made it happen. One of them wore a pair of his pants, another wore a tie, while another wore a pair of his shoes, or belt. I love that they all wanted to feel extra close to him.

We headed to the church. They set us up in the choir room. We were able to spend some more time with Chase before the funeral started. I asked that all family, Pallbearers, and some others to please come in and see him one last time. We shared many tears, heart pains, and hugs together. I wanted all of us to stay in there next to him as long as they would let us. And then it was finally that time…

Benjamin, the funeral director and now my friend, came in and told us to say our final goodbyes to Chase. Boy was that incredibly hard. It would be the last time we could physically put our eyes on him on this earth. He looked so beautifully handsome. He had just shaved his massive beard off the week before, so we got to see his baby face again. My family and I shared the last few minutes with him telling him we would see him again one day. I didn’t want them to close the casket, to put him in darkness. Oh how I hated that moment when they did.

We got in line and started heading down the hall. The rest of our family was walking behind us. When we walked into the sanctuary, everyone stood up. The place was full of all of our friends. But, I couldn’t look at the crowd. I didn’t want to face what I was about to go through. I felt so numb and extremely sad with such a broken heart. I walked in with my other boys on each side of me. We held each other up as we were escorted to our seats. We needed each other more than ever now.

If I could actually say that a funeral was beautifully done, I would say that is exactly what Chase’s was. My very good friend, Stacy Andrews, officiated it for me. We have known each other for 20 years, and we watched our kids grow up. I also worked for him at Ridgecrest before I went back into teaching. We always had such a great time. He was able to speak with a personal view of Chase and all of us. I am so thankful for him and the sweet words he shared. He did such an awesome job.

The songs were sung by one of my best friends, Buffy Kelley. We met when I moved back to Birmingham and just had Chase. We taught school together and lived across the street from one another. We were able to spend lots of time together for the 2 years we were there. When we moved to MS, she and I still visited as much as possible. Our boys also kept in touch. She has the most beautiful voice. I am so grateful that she had the courage to be able to get through the songs without losing it. She did awesome.

I loved listening to each of the speakers speak from their hearts. Will was the first one. I was able to get to know Will and his precious wife during Mardi Gras that February. He spoke of his friendship that he and Chase shared. He told us of the fun times they had together and how Chase helped him become a better friend and husband. He spoke such sweet words and made my heart swell up.

Austin, my nephew, spoke next. He shared with us how it was like having an instant friend as soon as he was born. He talked about how proud he is of having Chase, Drew, and Rob as brothers instead of just cousins. He also discussed his confusion of why Chase decided to take his life away from us, just like most of us felt. But most of all, he shared his love he had for him. I am so appreciative of him having the courage to get up and speak with the broken heart he was also trying to deal with.

Lastly, Ann walked up to speak. She was one of Chase’s best friends after moving to Mobile. They met the first day of work and spent lots of their time together from that moment on. She spoke of their friendship. fun times they spent together, and then talked about his depression. She shared a lot of insights about depression and helped us get a glimpse of Chase’s life and the hold that it had on him. She talked about how we need to talk about mental illness and take the stigma away from it. I am so thankful for her truthfulness and kind words.

At the end, we had a slide show while the music from “You Got a Friend in Me.” played. I’m so grateful to Jake Jones for spending the hours he did to put this together along with the slide show for the visitation. I know that it took a lot of time away from his schedule to put these together. The pics and music was perfect. It was such a great way to end the service. It made me smile through my tears.

I am so thankful to have the Memorial Service online to watch. I need to see to it ever so often to remind me of what was said and the love that was shown in that room. I miss him so much. My boys miss him so much. So many people miss him so much. He made such an impact on so many lives. He was so incredibly loved, but just couldn’t find his way out of the darkness he was in. I just want to wrap him in my arms and tell him it’s all okay. If only I could.

If you would like to watch Chase’s Memorial Service, copy and paste the link below. It has some really good messages in it that may answer some questions for you as well. I also want to thank you for all of your support and love that you have shown me through my blogs. I so appreciate and love each and everyone of you. May God Bless you! Here is the link: https://youtu.be/r_TyNQ1KkLY

So the day finally came. I had to go to Visitation that night for my son. I really didn’t want to go. I would have rather had the detective call me and tell me that he was mistaken and that my son was really ok and on his way here to see me. But I couldn’t believe it because I knew that it wasn’t true. If only it could have been…

The morning started with so much love around us. My boys and I were surrounded by all of my family. My sisters, brothers, sister in laws, brother in laws, nieces, and nephews were here, along with my in laws, my boys grandparents. I am so thankful that I stayed close to them all of these years, along with my sister in law and nephew. They were by our sides as soon as they found out and could come. They all held Chase up as one to look up to although most were older than he. He was that guy that we all strived to be. What love we have for one another. I am so blessed to have each of them in my life.

Cindy and Jefri (my sister and brother in law) had a big hand in helping raise my boys. Chase was like their first born. Actually, Cindy and Bobby used to fight over holding him as soon as they got off work and could come home. I was there with him the first 8 weeks, so I would hand him off as soon as one of them walked through my door. Chase started staying with them as soon as we would let him, and that was pretty early on. They would drop everything just to be with him.

When my other boys and their kids were born, we kept them together as much as possible. We moved to MS when Chase had just turned 4, but that didn’t stop us from seeing each other. We would meet in Livingston and swap kids every summer, break, and any other chance that came up. We would take lots and lots of trips together. What great memories we shared. Our kids felt more like each other’s siblings instead of cousins. Also, my college friends and their kids would get together with us every time we went to Birmingham, so my kids felt like they had best friends in Birmingham as well as Madison. It was a beautiful thing and still is.

Friends started heading over pretty soon after we awoke. I wanted my house to be filled with the ones that loved Chase and wanted to be here for and with us. I asked that anyone that wanted to come to please head over. My door was open. And boy did they. I didn’t even want to get ready for visitation. I just wanted to stay here and love on everyone. His (and now our) friends came from Mobile straight to my house. Friends that flew or drove in came as soon as they could. The love that was there at my house was so comforting and loving. Not only my boys, their dad, my family, and my heart was broken, but so many others were also over this tragedy. We were all there comforting each other and trying to make sense of it.

But it was time to get back to reality and get ready to see everyone at Visitation. My family and I got there early so we could spend some time with him alone. My boys, Bobby, and I went in first. It was so surreal, like It was all a bad dream again, but it wasn’t. The Funeral Director, Benjamin, even told me later that watching my boys go down to see Chase is something that will forever be sketched in his memories. That their knees buckled as soon as they saw him, but that they continued to hold each other up through it.

They did a great job with Chase. He looked beautiful. The only thing that was missing was his big smile. I just wanted to crawl in there with him. I so wanted to shake him and tell him to get up. I was so mad, sad, broken hearted, and confused. I wanted to just grab him and hug him and tell him that I loved him and that it was ok. That I was doing my best to understand his pain. If only I could have taken it away from him. I would do anything for my 3 boys!!!

The rest of the family came in next. It was hard seeing them all see Chase for the first time laying in that casket. Everyone just broke down crying. They loved him so much. Their hearts were broken. The overwhelming tragedy and devastation of losing him was the worst. It totally wrecked their worlds.

The doors opened around 5:40 instead of 6 because of the crowd that was there already waiting to come in. It was unbelievable how many came. The guys at Sebrell Funeral Home knew exactly how to handle this big crowd. They fixed it so people could sit and wait instead of standing up the whole time. They could look at photos sitting around in the hallway, a slide show that was on the screens, and some of Chase’s favorite music that was playing. We didn’t want the “regular” funeral music to play. The music needed to be uplifting and meaningful. Thanks to Jenna and Sam, it was just that..

I stood at my place by the casket the whole time. I didn’t want to leave him. I looked every single person in the eye and thanked them for coming. I put my arms around each of them, whether I knew them well or not at all, and gave them a big hug. I just wanted each of them to know how much it meant to me for them to be there with us and for us. People kept coming and I kept hugging. I think we were there until close to 10 instead of 9 just to make sure everyone had a chance to come see him and us. Friends told me that there were over 1,000 people there. Wow!! What a testament to Chase and what everyone thought of him. What a humbling time it was for my family and me.

When I think back on this day, it brings me a lot of comfort instead of just despair. It reminds me of how many love my family and me. I am still overwhelmed with the love that was and still is showering over us. No one really understands the pain of losing a child, except the ones that have walked this path already. But, they are doing everything to help us handle the loss of our son, brother, nephew, cousin, and friend. My family and I so appreciate it all.

I am not a writer so this blog is coming straight from my heart and soul. I am doing this to help heal myself and get closer to God, as well as trying to help others. I want this stigma of mental illness to be talked about instead of being swept under the rug. Social Media makes everybody’s life look so awesome. It is as if life is perfect and great. But behind closed doors, no one really knows what is going on. Please remember that. Be kind and have an ear for anyone reaching out.

I am so tired of judgements and expectations. Please, let’s just all be who we really are. Let’s talk and be totally open with one another. Let’s hold each other up no matter what. I am here for anyone that needs an ear with no judgement. Whether you are a parent of a child that is going through depression, you are depressed yourself, or you have been devastated by someone that has committed suicide, I hope this is helping you. Please reach out to me if you would like. I do not have a lot of wisdom or training in this, but I would like to personally tell you that you have a purpose and that your life matters. Love you all…

The days between coming home from Mobile to the night of visitation is pretty much a blur.  Before we left, we had already gone by and picked out the casket along with the florist for flowers to put on top.  That was extremely hard.  Thank goodness we had a precious Funeral Director.  He was so loving and caring, and treated us like we were the most important people while we were with him.  He listened to us with such care and love.  And, I am now proud to call him a friend.

But there was still so much we had to do. Thankfully, Ridgecrest opened up the church for us as soon as they heard about Chase’s death.  So that was already set up.  But we still had to figure out the details of the visitation and funeral.  We had to choose songs, speakers, slide show pics, an officiator, a soloist, and so much more.  It was the last thing I wanted to do when we got back from Mobile, but I had no choice. So, I thought about how I could make this visitation and funeral something that my incredible Chase would be very proud of.

The very worst thing I had to do was think about to how to actually say goodbye to him. I had to say goodbye to my eldest child, the one that first made me a momma. The one that was so loved by his family and friends, that had a smile that lit up any room, and made everyone feel as though their life mattered.  But did he feel the same way about his own?

Chase had such a zest for life, or so we thought.  He was always striving to be better than he was.  He was never ok with just being normal.  I remember so many times, while he was growing up, where he pushed himself to be the very best.  We, his dad and I, never had to have talks with him about his grades or anything else.  He did that all on his own. He was his worst enemy.  I used to tell him that all the time.

But, I never realized how bad it really was.  We were always just so proud of all that he had accomplished in his short life.  Not many people could have finished with a 3.96 in chemical engineering in only 4 years, while enjoying being very involved with his fraternity.  I know I couldn’t.  I remember him telling me that he was going to pull up his 3.92 his last semester of college.  I just looked at him wishing that I had that much determination in school, and told him that he did not get that gene from me. LOL

We came home to more friends and family coming in to be with us.  Drew had a childhood friend (well we consider him a huge part of our family) that drove over from Michigan through the night without stopping as soon as he found out.  Not only our awesome friends here, but also my friends and their kids from college came in to surround us with love and support. For instance, A friend of mine from Montevallo drove in that I hadn’t expected. We had kept up through Facebook, and ran into each other a few times here and there.   He came in as soon as he could to be with us.  My boys and I were so blessed and thankful that we had so many that dropped everything and drove in from all over the United States to hold us up.  It would have been so much harder to go through all of this without each and everyone of their love and support.

I can’t express enough how much the phone calls, messages, letters, visits, prayers, contributions to the Go Fund Me page, volunteers to bring us a meal, monetary gifts, the brand new deep freeze we came home to from Mobile, and all the flowers/plants that we received has meant to us.  The outpour of love was and still is overwhelming. And, at times when I feel all alone, I think of all of these things and remember how much love is out there for my boys and me. Life is so much better when you know that you have a God that continues to hold your hand and keep you walking with one foot in front of the other.  It is such a hard path, one that I still don’t want to face, but have to and will.  I still have 2 other boys that I have to live for.  They need their momma and I need them even more.

Again, please remember that if you don’t think your life is better on this Earth, it is. Actually, If only I could go back 8 months ago, I would have given Chase a lot more attention when he reached out and told me that he was battling depression.  I would tell him how much his life does matter, and how the devestation of him taking his life would rock so many of our worlds to the core.  I, along with his brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends need him here on this earth to love and support us as we could have supported him.  If only…

After the reality of the news hitting me, all I thought about was going to Mobile to love on his friends. I wanted to be close to the ones that spent the last 3 years with Chase. So, my sister and brother in law drove me to Mobile, and my other sister and brother in law met us there.

Chase has some of the best friends I’ve ever seen in Mobile. When we got there, they welcomed us with open arms. A few of them drove us to the hotel that they had already set up for us. They took care of everything. Their kindness and love just poured out of them.

After getting settled into the hotel, we all met up at Ann’s house. All I wanted us to do was to love on each other, and for them to share some funny, sweet, and wonderful stories/memories with us. And boy, did they. We laughed, cried, and just loved on one another. It’s exactly what I needed to make me feel closer to my Chase.

I’m so thankful that my sister and I were able to go to Mardi Gras with Chase that past February. We were able to really spend some quality time with these awesome friends. While Chase was helping with the MOT duties, we were invited to Ann’s house. Cindy and I went not really knowing these friends very well. But each of them came over to us and chatted with us about “Chaz”. It was so incredible. That’s when I realized what a great group of friends he had.

Chase was so proud and excited that we were there. He dressed up in his MOT costume for the Ball that night. He hung out with us the whole time. Cindy and I felt so loved by he and his precious friends. After the Ball, Chase hugged us and told us that he wanted us to come every year. How incredibly sweet is that? Of course, we said yes!!! I’m just so very blessed that he shared his friends with us that weekend.

We went over to see Chase’s house that afternoon. He had just purchased it in May. It’s just the cutest house. I wanted to come see it before then, but he wanted to get everything set up in it first. He had just gotten a couch and a few other things, and was in the process of doing more.

Some of them met with us the next day for lunch. They helped me with the writing of the obituary and some details on the funeral. They also shared more stories with us about “Chaz”.

Chase knew that he had an awesome group of friends in Mobile. He knew how much he was loved by them. He was so proud to have them in his life. They all are hurting still with Chase’s death. It has made a huge impact on them. They are trying to find their new “normal” without him. Please lift them up in your prayers.

These friends continue to reach out to my boys and me. They consider us part of their family. I appreciate them and love them so very much. My heart has a hole in it that will never be filled, but they have brought a light to my life that I so needed and am thankful for. I’m proud to call them my kids.

The weekend before we found out was a normal one as always. I called him Saturday morning, but he didn’t answer. I didn’t think a whole lot about it, since he was an active guy with his friends there in Mobile. Later that day, I sent him a message asking if I could come see him the following weekend. Never really thought about him not responding until Monday morning. I sent him a message with no response. Tried to call his work and cell number. No luck. I then sent him another message (around 9:30) on both phones asking if he was ok. I had a feeling that something was wrong, but brushed it away. I went to my eye appointment and then to Eyemart Express. While I was there, I sent him another message. Around 11:30, my phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize. I didn’t answer it. But then it rang again with Chase’s best friend’s name showing up. I picked up my cell phone, answered, and within seconds had my world crush to pieces around me.

The detective got on the phone and said they found my son in his closet deceased. I couldn’t talk. I just broke down in Eyemart Express. I found a place I could get on my hands and knees and I just let go. One of the employees followed me, rubbing my back and asking if she could do anything. I couldn’t speak to her. I couldn’t look at her. I just laid there wailing for my son. I couldn’t hold it in. It was my worst nightmare to get news that my child had passed away, and that he had taken his own life. I felt lost and so alone.

I finally made it to my car. I sat thinking and crying over what I needed to do. I didn’t want to tell his brothers and dad over the phone. All I could think about was getting home. I thought about who I could call that wasn’t working. I tried to call a good friend but no answer. I then called another one. She and her dad were on the way to get me, but I didn’t want to wait. I started driving home. In the meantime, I sent Chase’s dad and brothers a message asking them to meet me at the house.

Telling them, people that loves Chase as much as I do, was so extremely hard. Seeing their pain in their face is something that I will never forget. Then having to call my sisters, brothers, and a few more friends was taking a toll on me. I didn’t want to say it anymore, but also didn’t want them to hear it from anyone else. Thankfully, my good friends came in and started making phone calls and answering texts for me. I was feeling so overwhelmed trying to figure out the next steps to take. They helped with things that needed to be handled. They wanted to walk through this with me, assisting me in any way they could. More friends came over as soon as they heard the news. My house was packed with people that loved and cared for us. And if you know me, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

I still think of that day. How incredibly unbelievable it felt. Questions of “why” and “what ifs” thrusted in my mind and still do. I just couldn’t understand it. My mind was blown away. The first time he mentioned to me that he was battling with depression was 2 weeks prior. He was struggling with some things in his life that he couldn’t control. But he also shared that he was on medicine, and going to the doctor about it. I thought he was doing everything right to get a handle on it, but I didn’t realize that it just wasn’t enough. I had no idea that he was contemplating suicide. That thought never crossed my mind.

I am so thankful for that weekend with him (2 weeks before his death). Because of his struggles, he really didn’t feel like driving to Chattanooga for my niece’s wedding. Thankfully, he chose to not let that stop him from coming. He was able to spend some time with all of us. His brothers and most of his cousins were there, along with his aunts and uncles. He came in acting as if all was great in his life. He was the same fun loving, handsome guy we all new and adored. He had the cutest sense of humor and made us laugh a lot. On his way home that Sunday, I called and asked him if he was glad he came. He said “Yes, Mother. It was exactly what I needed.” I had no idea that weekend would be the last time I would see that beautiful face of his alive.

The pain is real. If you feel like there is no way out, that the darkness won’t go away, give yourself some time. Understand that you matter and that you are here for a reason. You have a purpose. Please just hold on. Be open to those that love you and talk truths to them. You are a Precious Child of God, and He’s not done with you yet…

Chase had so much positive going on in his life. He graduated from high school as a National Merit Finalist. Because of this, he received and accepted a wonderful scholarship from the University of Alabama. He spent his 4 years working hard during the day, and enjoying his fraternity, Theta Chi, through the nights and weekends. He loved him some Alabama Football. (Roll Tide)

During the summers throughout his college years, he was an Intern with Tellus Operating Group where he left a lifelong impression on them. In May of 2015, He graduated with a 3.96 in Chemical Engineering. He immediately received a job opportunity with ArcelorMittal Steel Company in Calvert, Alabama. He felt proud to follow his Grandy’s footsteps to work with a Steel Company. He moved to Mobile in June of 2015 and started working with this wonderful company. The 3 years he worked there, he was able to move from Process Engineer II to Associate Process Engineer, and was well on his way to moving quickly up the ladder to receive raises and new job titles. They thought the world of him there. He was also able to have 3 interns under him within the 3 years he was there.

Chase absolutely loved Mobile. While living there, from June of 2015 to July of 2018, he made many great friends. He met his “Core Group” through his job. He moved into a House with 3 other guys in Midtown, Mobile. He was on a kickball team, where he and his best friend, Ann, became the leaders of it. He also continued his love of running. He had a group from his work that would go and run 5Ks with him, as well as some of his close friends. He also was invited and became an active member of the “Mystics of Time” Mardi Gras Association. He was so proud to be a part of this Association. He bought a very cute house in May and had his best friend from the other house, Ross, move in with him

His life, from the outside, was incredible. He knew how blessed he was with a great family who loved him to the moon and back, great friends that loved him and thought the world of him, and a great job that he was very proud of who they held up high with his work ethics and the desire to learn the company inside and out.

But within, he struggled with depression. He fought a battle within himself that he could not win. He kept this a secret from 99% of his friends and family. And the closest friends he shared this side of him with, he would always say he would never do anything because he loved me too much to put me through something like that. They believed him, and so would I if I were them.

I am making this blog because I want to share my feelings and experience to hopefully help others struggling with mental illness or help people that have lost a loved one through suicide. I want to grow and find God’s purpose through the loss of my son.

More to come…

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton