Two Year Mark

Although I believe it happened days before, July 30th is the day I got the worst phone call ever. I was alone in a store when I answered the call. The officer told me that my son, Chase, was found deceased in his closet. He had hung himself with a belt on a hook. Everything went to a blur and I just crawled up in a space in the store. I was on my hands and knees trying to grasp what the officer had just told me.

I was in such disbelief. Not my son. No way would he do this. But the phone call was real. It was true. How do I move or think or tell my other boys and their dad, plus the rest of my family? The pain came from so far within me. I wailed like any mother would for their child. Our lives have forever been changed from that moment forward. This day will always be marked in our hearts and our lives of the day we found out we lost our precious Chase. Many tears will fall.

I’m saying all of this to remind you that depression is real. The pain that someone maybe going through is sometimes so unbearable that they only see one way out, suicide. He told the few that knew he was that depressed, he would never harm himself because he wouldn’t want me to go through that kind of pain. But something happened in his mind that night or early the next day that caused him to feel that it was the only way to take the suffering and pain he was dealing with away. It’s called mental illness.

He had told me two weeks before he was dealing with depression. He then backed it up with telling me he had seen a doctor and was prescribed medicine. He was also looking for a therapist to go talk to about his depression. I never, one time, thought about asking if he was suicidal. It never crossed my mind. He showed no symptoms of depression around us two weeks before when we had spent the weekend with us. He was fun, loving, kind, and seemed so happy to be there with all of us. I checked on him a couple of times after that and he seemed ok. None of us knew that would be the last time we would see him alive.

I will always question what I could have done to help prevent it. But as soon as those questions pop into my mind, I have to dismiss them. I’ll never know or understand. If I stay there asking, it will not help me in anyway. To tell you the truth, my relationship with God has been rocky. It has been filled with anger towards Him. Why Chase? Then I find myself remembering that God never promised us an easy life. He just gives us hope of where we will be in the end as long as we trust him. I have to remind myself that God is faithful and that there is a purpose in all of this, although we are hurting. I know Chase is in Heaven now whole with no more unbearable pain.

I don’t know how to change this suicide epidemic we are seeing around us. I hear more and more of it happening in our young adult children. My only advice is to start having serious talks with your kids, your family, and your friends. We won’t know how people are feeling until we truly stop and listen. We need to have an understanding heart and not judge them if they do decide to open up. Love on all around you, showing a little sunshine on maybe a very cloudy dark day for them. You never know what your smile (even masked) can do for someone at that very moment.

I miss you like crazy, Chase. We all do. The impact you have had on so many are still happening. People have shared so much with me of how their lives have changed because of your story and legacy you left behind. You still amaze me. I will always be so extremely proud of you and so thankful God allowed me to be your mom for over 25 years on this earth. Keep shining down on us and remind us to always be a friend to everyone we meet. Love you all the way to heaven and back.

Thank you to all who have already reached out with a card, gift, text, or phone call. We appreciate them more than you will ever know. I always love to hear how a life has changed or been saved because of Chase. It shows me that his death has not been in vain. Love to all of you.